Spellchekker

My copy editer slash proofreeder slash wife is spendding Augist in Australiah, so the usuil hi standerds of Eyestrane Produkshuns may sufer slitely in the comming weaks. If you notise a few moor typos then befour, rest ashired I havn’t suddanly gone retardid. I just dont have anywon looking ovar my sholder two make shur my speling and grammer is up to snuf.

Givin the tippical levil of Inglish phound on the intirnet, this shud hardly be notisible at all. Appologeez too the phew amung you whu pratise sum moddicum of littericy.

Real Canadians Hate Summer

Thank my pathological need to publish at least one update a month for this sad little entry on the last day of June. Although I have a list of topics I’d like to discuss in great and tedious detail, I simply haven’t had the time or the will power to get to it. Such content will have to wait for the blistering month of July, when all that sun and heat will burn away my energy and leave me sitting in a darkened room in my underwear, sweating and cursing the entire summer season, as I stare blankly at my computer screen, hoping something more interesting than internet depravity will magically appear. Only then will sheer boredom force my hands to start typing up all those blog entries this dreadfully blog-deprived world has been yearning for.

Until that moment comes, there is one update to the site worth checking out. Ten new Movies in Longshot have been added to the marquee for the first time in damn near forever. Technically, they’ve been up for several weeks, but it took about that long to work some of the kinks out of the new material. It’s been so long since any Longshot strips have been posted here, the technical details of how exactly that was to be accomplished proved elusive.

Spambots Declare Jihad On Eyestrain

The forum has been pulled down for the second time this month. Spambots have been targeting it lately, and much as I’d love to turn this entire website into a shameless shill for online gambling, former-communist-block porno, and hot junk-bond investment tips, I’m afraid I must stand firm on one ethical stipulation. Spammers must PAY ME to be their whore. Otherwise I’d just feel cheap.

Measures are being taken to make the forum more secure. And by secure, I mean it will be SLIGHTLY annoying for the spammers to get their text onto the site. The extra ten seconds it will take them to flood every discussion thread will cut deeply into their busy day, and reduce their total spam output by as much as 0.0000000001%. We here at Eyestrain Productions stand proudly at the vanguard of internet security. The dam may have burst, but we’re still plugging holes with our fingers, never fear.

Until the forum is back up, you’ll just have to take my word for it that I’ve updated nearly an entire year’s worth of Movie Night Minutes. No, seriously. I’m not even lying.

Thankfully, I don’t feel alone. I’m not the only cartoonist under siege these days. Remember the good old days of The Satanic Verses, when you had to write A WHOLE BOOK to get a jihad slapped on you? Now you can earn one with a lousy single-panel comic strip.

Although the offending political cartoons first saw print in September, the Muslim world continues to work diligently on a body count that will get the world media to sit up, take notice, and debate whether they should reprint the catalyst strips yet again. Keep putting out those oil fires with gasoline, guys. It’s funnier than anything on the funnies page.

It’s been a long time since this many people died over a comic strip. Millions of Americans continue to drop dead each year by going on the Garfield diet, but cartoon historians will point to more specific examples of attributable fatalities. Spousal-abuse homicides peaked in 1976 during a particularly brutal two-week Andy Capp drinking binge. At least a dozen deaths among young professional women were blamed on the Cathy strip that featured a detailed, but highly hazardous homemade abortion guide. And, of course, there are the three slayings confirmed as being a direct result of the controversial Ziggy “Kill your parents” panel.

Only one conclusion can be drawn from the continuation of violent protests among radical Muslims so many months after the fact. We need some new offensive cartoons. People have been too pissed off for too long over old material. In this spirit, I have come forward and offered the world media outlets publication rights to my greeting card line of the prophet Mohammed in a Santa Claus suit wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah. I believe this will serve to refocus everyone’s rage in a new and exponentially more violent way, and really light a fire under the Molotov-cocktail and burning-effigy economies.

So far no takers.

Hang Up Now

Shane can’t come to the website right now. He’s busy rewriting an entire television miniseries. Please leave a message after the beep.

Beep.

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Missing Links And Throwbacks

Whenever possible, I like to slip the latest links of note into my blog in as unobtrusive a way as possible. This means mixing them with links both positive and rewarding, as well as those that are utterly meaningless and silly. Lately, there have been a few that I’ve been really anxious to point you at, but unable to find a reasonable way to work them into the conversation. So let me be purely crass for a moment and tell you, point blank, where to go.

Superhero geeks may know all about the fanboy favourite Batman films out there, namely Batman: Dead End and a mock trailer called World’s Finest. But I’ve been shocked at the general lack of discussion about the Greyson trailer, certainly the best example of this geek subgenre. Another mock trailer for a film that doesn’t and (in many ways, sadly) will never exist, D.C. comics fans should have orgasms over the number of cameo appearances sprinkled throughout. Most others will consider it shamelessly overdone. Nevertheless, there’s more heart and soul in these five minutes of superhero ecstasy than in just about any Hollywood feature counterpart.

I’m sure you’re all aware that BBC radio has reunited the original cast (minus the one dead guy) to do two new seasons of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Due to Douglas Adams also being inconsiderately dead, the new material is derived from the last three books of his Hitchhiker series. As such, they don’t match up with the continuity of the original radio plays, but why split hairs on a project that is, otherwise, so very positive? You can stream the most recent broadcast here, although you’ll probably have to hunt the net if you want to listen to the previous episodes.

While I’m at it, I’ll also direct your mouse pointer at the latest Star-Wars inspired bit of Flash fun. This, like the Star Wars films themselves, has been reduxed to death from the original creation. The only way these guys differ from Lucas is that they’ve managed to improve their work instead of detract from it. It is, of course, a bit hip-hoppy for my tastes, but I feel obliged to link to it since it was submitted to me by my friend Rosalind. I’ve linked to everything else she’s ever emailed me because, unlike the legions of unconscionable spammers out there, she always sends me cool stuff. You may remember this one from a much earlier blog entry. Well, she was the person who found it and correctly identified it as something I would think is neat.

Rosalind, bless her black heart, also sent me this link to The Exorcist — as performed in 30 seconds by bunnies. I think it’s pretty self-explanatory.

Then we have an interview with Fred Dekker. Fred remains one of my favourite genre writer/directors, although he’s been largely marginalized by Hollywood for years. Responsible for classics like Night of the Creeps and The Monster Squad, I continue to pull for him and whatever project he may currently be trying to bring to life. Frankly, before this, I’d never seen a single interview with him, so when I found this one I became all titillated. Okay, it doesn’t take much. But my tits were most definitely lated.

I’m not one for jokes. Really. I don’t like it when someone says, “Hey, did you hear the one about…” or “Knock knock…” or “A priest, a rabbi and a monk walk into a bar…” But I have to ask you, just this once — Did you hear the one about the Newfie who tried to support his drug habit by stealing cheese? NB: Newfie jokes are the Canadian equivalent of Polish jokes and are equally unfunny. There’s no worthwhile punch line here either, so just file this one under, “Huh?”

Feel free to add your own favourite hot links of note to the comments section. And should I ever again fall too far behind in bringing you the latest in web-browsing nonsense, by all means badger me for more.

Eating Jim Crow

That’ll teach me to advertise my website.

No sooner do I email a link to my friend, Jeff, than he’s posting comments pointing out my egregious (some might say legally actionable) errors that I made, all in the name of an innocent, wholesome, cheap shot at an otherwise perfectly upstanding celebrity. It seems he’s quite right. Despite all the mud-slinging to the contrary, media testimonies by the ill-informed, and content within the film itself that seemed to indicate otherwise, Renée Zellweger’s character in Cold Mountain was never supposed to be black. I, quite naturally, never bothered to confirm this fact one way or the other because, after all, that would require a modicum of work and the sacrifice of a couple of underhanded japes.

What’s next? Am I going to sit through The Passion of the Christ only to find out it’s not anti-Semitic? That’ll be a bummer.

This stubborn controversy, which has relentlessly dogged eyestrainproductions.com for as much as two hours now, only serves to stir up many other issues. More important issues. Issues which will, hopefully, divert attention from my very public fuck up. Namely, what’s the world coming to when you can’t believe vicious, unfounded rumours? Just because people base their libel and innuendo on facts they’ve never read for themselves shouldn’t mean that I should have to do any research to back up my own libel and innuendo.

If there’s one thing that living through this particular juncture in history has taught me, it’s the vital importance of not checking your facts. Facts only lead to uncertainty, debate, and balanced judgments, and we can’t have that. Too many facts, and before you know it you’re likely to lose all sorts of support for your unfounded war, your paranoid witch hunt, or your racist persecution of a visible minority. And then where would we be? Back in the jungle my friends, back in the jungle.

The upshot of all this is that ultimately, no, Renée Zellweger did not win an Oscar for shamelessly overacting a character that was supposed to be black, she won an Oscar for shamelessly overacting a character that was just as daisy white as her.

But…but…that still doesn’t make her British, okay?

Liftoff

The launch date is finally here. Often delayed, long in coming, I’ve been sitting on this url for what must be close to two years now. Now I’m officially off my ass with plenty of material ready to roll.

Peruse the site, fiddle with the features, read the goodies. There’ll be more coming at regular intervals.

The City That Never Wakes

We’re still a few weeks shy of the launch date, but why should that stop me from writing a blog entry that will be languishing in the archives before the website even has a single visitor? This is where all my friends and fans will be able to come to read what it is I’ve been up to, and what projects I have ready to unleash upon the world. Yes, all four of you will enjoy my semi-regular updates and musings right up until my interest starts to wane and I leave this url to rot in cyberspace, a time capsule of old ideas and stale news, sustained only by a few accidental search engine hits and an annual domain registration fee.

What passes for news this week is my triumphant return from a fabulous, fun-filled trip to thrill-a-minute Toronto, the entertainment capital of the Toronto/North York area. There, I gleefully fed the great Canadian economy by partaking in local overpriced cuisine, local overpriced merchandise, and local overpriced public transportation (on the two occasions I didn’t walk my cheap ass to where I wanted to go). Ah, the sights, the sounds, the glorious din of condo construction! I even had several brushes with greatness, like when I passed David Cronenberg’s house and saw a shadow in the window that might well have been his housekeeper, or later when I was strolling near the CBC building and saw one of the Newsworld people just walking down the street. You know, the blonde one. Woman. Not so attractive. No, the other not-so-attractive one. Yeah, her! Jealous?

I was mostly in Toronto to take a few meetings concerning film and television projects that may be panning out for me in the new year. You’ll know more when I know more. Until then, tour the rest of the site and enjoy all the cool features I worked on for minutes at a time.