I wish I could say I got up early to watch the royal wedding, but the fact is I just never went to bed.

The highlight for me was watching what felt like twenty minutes of Prince William trying to cram a ring onto Kate Middleton’s fat commoner finger. That’s what happens when you marry someone of such low breeding. You just can’t fit your multi-million-dollar baubles onto extremities that have been calloused by years of toil in a coal mine, or a smithy, or a woad factory. When will the royals learn? They’re intrinsically better than us, and should only marry each other. Granted, he and Kate are 11th cousins, and no royal wedding would be complete without SOME in-breeding, but that simply isn’t close enough. The Ptolemys had it right. You need to marry your brother or sister. That way you get to hoard all the wealth and power and DNA. If you dole out your precious royal juices willy-nilly, you only end up with some ginger monstrosity like Prince Harry, who is only fit serve as party organizer, bon vivant, and cannon fodder for the armed forces.

I played network roulette for a while, trying to decide whose coverage was the least awful. CBC had Peter Mansbridge literally seeing people who weren’t even there (he’s getting a tad old, admitting he covered Chuck and Di’s wedding from the exact same spot thirty years earlier). CTV had out-of-synch sound and Tracy Ullman poking fun at Canadian accents (keep it sharp and edgy as always Tracy, that’s what it’s all aboot, eh?) And of course there was CNN with their go-to royalist, Richard Quest (the single worst parody of a Brit since Dick Van Dyke chim chim cher-eed his way through Mary Poppins). That was an automatic pass. I briefly considered switching to Fox, but I figured their coverage would be all about how Obama, the Marxist-Kenyan Socialist, destroyed the U.S. economy by not getting an invite.

Now that it’s mercifully over, I will spend my late-night/early-morning TV- time more productively. There are some damn intriguing test patterns airing in that time slot.