The past week has seen Hollywood misogyny taken to a whole new level. Within just a few days, they managed to fuck up Wonder Woman’s costume, cast Jennifer Garner as Miss Marple (!?!), and release Sucker Punch, perhaps the single most crass and inept attempt to sell adolescent male wank-off fantasies as pseudo-feminist girl-power.
Of these three horrific missteps, the nearest and dearest to my heart is the fact that they hired a 38-year-old American action star to play the most beloved little old English-countryside murder-solving spinster in literary history. It’s been over thirty years since the last Miss Marple movie and I absolutely cannot wait to not go see this one. Ever.
Incidentally, younging-down fiction’s great sleuths is a superb marketing decision and I eagerly anticipate the day they hire Ben Affleck to play Hercule Poirot, Justin Bieber to play Sherlock Holmes, and a third trimester fetus to play Nancy Drew. Their great intellects will be so much sexier in youthful bodies.
But nobody wants to talk about bastardizing detective fiction when someone is busy bastardizing super heroes. It’s much easier to get upset about ill-conceived comic book adaptions because they have pictures. Which makes them easier to read. Unlike a bunch of boring stupid words.
Right. Point taken. I’ll quit it with the words. Go look at the picture.
You can stop staring now.
I don’t know which is worse, the awful Halloween costume or the five-dollar-whore makeup. I understand with this new Wonder Woman, instead of having a magic lasso that makes you tell the truth, she has an enchanted stripper pole that makes you stuff dollar bills down her painted-on pants.
Personally, I would have voted for the 1940s costume, complete with cape and skirt. Sure, the skirt was a bit short for its era, but compared to what the chicks in Sucker Punch are wearing, it’s a nun’s habit.
Which reminds me: when is Hollywood going to give us a new nunsploitation movie? There’s a genre that’s truly girl-empowering.