Canada’s cutest serial killer is getting out of the can and moving in next door! Yes, Karla Homolka, that rapin’ murderin’ party girl is apartment hunting in my neighbourhood. Word is, once she’s free to mingle with the public again she’ll be forgoing a return engagement in Ontario in favour of coming straight to Sin City North, Montreal. Specifically my own neck of the woods, the semi-suburbs of Notre Dame de Grace.
The geographical relocation is so Karla can be closer to some of the gal pals she made in prison, like Christina Sherry, one of the ringleaders of a Montreal rape-n-torture gang who got sent up the same river for her crimes. Obviously the girls spent their terms bonding over mutual interests like curling, American Idol, rape, Phil Collins albums, torture, and Hello Kitty memorabilia. Now they can hang out away from those nosy prison guards and go bar hopping, bowling, or cruising Catholic schoolgirls at their own convenience. I’m sure they’re just dying to cut loose and paint the town red with the blood of their many nubile teenage victims. It’s just like a bad Hollywood slasher film, only real and much sexier because neither of them is Paris Hilton.
I hope Karla moves real close because the novelty of living two doors down from local news reporter, Cindy Sherwin, is growing thin. Karla’s a real celebrity, and just the thought of her living near enough for me to hear the angry protestors has me all star-struck. Maybe she’ll come over to borrow a cup of sugar to bake a cake, or a cup of bleach to destroy DNA evidence. I can’t wait! The welcome mat is out.
In news that affects me personally and deeply, Land of the Dead is nearing release. It’s just another zombie flick you say? No, it’s the fourth zombie flick by George A. Romero, and zombie geeks like me have been waiting for it for twenty years now. I’ve seen the previous three entries in the series a million times each. Literally. I’m not kidding. I counted. One million times each. I figure I’ll need to spend the next eleven years of my life watching Land of the Dead over and over again to get anywhere close to evening it out in my head with the others. Fuck Episode III, this is the one I’m getting in line for now. Maybe it’ll even be good.
The sad thing is it won’t do anywhere near the business of all the Romero knock-offs that have come out in the last few years. It must suck when you invent a genre and then everyone else under the sun gets funding to do insipid rip-offs of your work while you have to rattle a beggar’s cup on corners to get funding to do your own proper sequels. It’s an experience I hope to replicate myself one day when I launch the first ever celebrity sex crime porno epic to great critical and cultural acclaim. See you at Sundance!