As The World Burns

Have you been watching what’s been going on in the world these last few weeks and months? To recap:

England went all Lord of the Flies on us, Somalia starved, America went bankrupt, so did the Eurozone, Norway turned into a shooting gallery (Norway?!?), Syria openly revolted, as did Libya with the help of the rest of the world, Turkey nearly went military coup on us, Egypt is a mess, not to mention Greece, Italy, Spain and Ireland, Afghanistan remains as hot as ever, Pakistan and Iraq haven’t exactly cooled off either, Mexico is openly run by gangsters, and, for the record, Japan still glows in the dark.

If you’re smart, you’re probably well stocked with food, water, guns and ammo, crossing off days on the calendar until the socio-economic apocalypse arrives. Unfortunately I’m Canadian. So the best I can do is cower in my igloo with a couple of cans of maple syrup stuck in a snow bank. But I’m armed with a hockey stick and I’m totally willing to go for a high-sticking penalty on your ass if you fuck with me.

Good luck, stay strong, and try to hold on until Apple finishes taking over everything and installs the new world order.

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In more celebratory news:

Happy fortieth birthday, unbacked American fiat currency! You look like a million bucks. Even though you’ve lost 85% of your value since Nixon.

Enjoy your special day and live it up. Because you won’t see fifty.

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I had to share this because it made me laugh. And then cry. And then laugh some more. Read it for yourself and we’ll talk…

So apparently Hollywood now holds the written word in such disdain, they’ve taken to blowing up screenplays. Oh sure, they use the excuse of terrorism paranoia and suspected bomb threats to cover their tracks, but we all know what’s going on here. Screenplays and their screenwriters have always been considered marginally necessary evils by the movie moguls. Past films like Sunset Boulevard, Barton Fink and The Player have allowed the power brokers to openly play with the idea of murdering screenwriters for fun, profit or sport. But now, in an era when Michael Bay films make a billion bucks, they’re getting bolder and have begun actively destroying scripts Michael-Bay style — with a big fiery explosion. I bet they even had a hot chick washing a car in the background when they blew this poor defenseless manuscript to smithereens. How much longer before they load a bus with explosives and screenwriters and purposely drive it below 55 miles per hour?

It’s clear they’ve decided they don’t need those nuisance writers after all, and that blockbusters, left to their own devices, will write themselves. Don’t believe me? Have you been out to see any Hollywood movies this summer? I think they may well be old plots pulled randomly out of a hat, and populated with characters written by a computer algorithm with all the associated warmth and understanding of the human condition you might expect. You can argue that qualifies as writing too. And sure, technically speaking, there are a lot of words to be found in them. Just let me know if you ever spot a soul in there too.

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