Confirmed! 3D Film Is All A Nazi Plot

The next time you go to the cinema, put on your tinted glasses, and pay a premium to sit through a new 3D movie, understand that you are only furthering a fascist agenda. And I don’t mean James Cameron’s bank account. No, you’re getting into bed with Hitler himself. The recent discovery that Nazi Germany was at the vanguard of Stereoscopic Cinema back in the 1930’s, a full generation before Hollywood took its first stab at shoving 3D down an audience’s throat, shows that the format has always had its roots in evil.

Like a fourth, fifth and sixth Reich, neo-Nazi minions in Tinseltown have been trying to resurrect this sinister final solution again and again and again. When the Nazis first tried it out, they were only trying to show their technological superiority in an Aryan Wunderbarland. When Hollywood studios picked up the ball and ran with it in the 1950s, they were trying to rally against the competition their movies were facing in the form of the exploding television market. Thirty years later, the early 1980s saw the arrival of polarized 3D, apparently in an effort to rally against good movies because Jaws 3D was the best release of that bunch and Jaws 3D sucks ass. Today we have the latest incarnation of 3D cinema as Hollywood rallies against film piracy. Because you can’t pirate 3D movies. Yet.

If it weren’t for the current piracy concerns, why else would Hollywood be releasing all these shot-in-3D movies and retrofitted-3D movies? It can’t be because the audience demands it. I haven’t met a single person who particularly enjoys the gimmicky effect, but I’ve met boatloads of people who can’t stand the format. I now actively avoid any movie released in 3D and wait for the mercifully 2D DVD or cable broadcast. Call me old fashioned, but I like my movies to have clear images, bright picture quality, and vibrant colours. If I want to see darkened images flying at me in muted colours, I’ll wait for a cloudy day and then walk into traffic wearing a beekeeper’s mask.

So whether the motivation for 3D releases is money, more money, or world-dominating genocide, remember that pure unadulterated evil intent is always at the core of this recycled trend. And when you go to the latest blockbuster 3D spectacle, you’re sitting in the same row as Hitler, Goebbels, Goering and Jesse James. You should be keeping better company.

The Nazi salute looks awesome in 3D.

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