Breaking news: Michael Jackson is still dead. We’re all freaked out at losing one of the giant icons of the music industry, and one of the very few superstars in the world who actually justified the use of the term “superstar.” Hint: if you won last season’s American Idol, you ARE NOT a superstar, not matter what Ryan Seacrest’s hyperbole tells you. Jackson was an ubiquitous pop culture icon all my life, and it will be weird living in a world where he isn’t around making the world weirder.

The toxicology results are still weeks away, but the autopsy is complete and, as promised, it was a real show-stopper. I called in some favours and got the scoop on the most shocking revelations from the coroner’s report. The bullet points are as follows:

* Malformed conjoined fetus discovered in abdomen indicates that they were really The Jackson Six back in the ’70s.

* Wasn’t a real zombie for the Thriller album, but had been the genuine article since Bad.

* Surgical mask was actually a retractable third eyelid.

* Face was a removable façade worn on a timeshare deal with La Toya.

* 8.75% not of this Earth.

* Navel transplanted to form chin cleft.

* First nose inverted and reattached to form the lining of his mangina.

* Extra nipples plentiful, but original two inexplicably missing.

* Bone structure was actually that of Joseph Merrick.

* Sex: male.

Fascinating revelations all. Some surprising, some fairly obvious, but all destined to become the stuff of medical journal legend.

On the brighter side of things, judging from the reduced amount of news media coverage, Iran’s problems have ceased to exist. Hurray! Good job, Iran! I knew you could sort it all out on your own.