I’m supposed to be working on the first draft of Sex Tape right now. The deadline is less than a week away. But it’s hot and unpleasant out, I don’t really feel like tying plot threads together, and the news cycle has just reached critical mass. I can’t take it anymore, and I must invoke my right to an intermission long enough to comment.

In brief:

Michael Jackson

This will be the most interesting autopsy of the century.

Farrah Fawcett

Okay, I admit it. I had that poster too.

Richard Nixon

Who can ever get enough of Nixon’s unreleased audio tapes? Man, that guy recorded everything. There are probably another twenty hours of bathroom flatulence carefully numbered and catalogued and yet to enter the public record as The White House Toilet Tapes. If you missed the latest ones, they include snippets of conversation featuring Tricky Dick telling his wife about a breakthrough in diplomatic talks with China, discussing going out to dinner with his daughter, and advocating abortion in the case of interracial pregnancy.

It really humanizes him.

Perez Hilton

Let me personally thank you for the greatest tearful video blog since the “Leave Britney Alone!” guy squeezed off a few to establish himself as the Alpha drama-queen of the new millennium. Perez managed to work himself up into a frenzy following some fisticuffs with the Black Eyed Peas in Toronto this week. Don’t worry though. Perez, despite an overacted performance of Shatneresque proportions, seems to be just fine. Which is the part I don’t understand.

You get into an altercation with an entire hip-hop band, and this is what you walk away with? A little boo-boo? I’ve done worse things to myself shaving. If you’re going to rant about a beat-down and press charges, you’d better look at least half as bad as Rihanna.

Come on celebrities of the 21st century! Learn how to mix it up. If this had been Sinatra, you’d all be dead.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

If you’re going to fake election results, do it plausibly. Don’t overplay your hand and go for an ego-enhancing landslide victory. No one will buy it. Here are half-a-dozen handy tips to help you know when you’re taking your fake election a little too far.

1. If results show your challenger failed to carry his own home town.

2. If there’s more than a 100% voter turn-out in some regions.

3. If there’s a giant nation-wide protest despite your supposed 60% support.

4. If you have to shoot and beat huge numbers of people who supposedly back your government just to maintain order.

5. If your media outlets have to stop covering the election in favour of cooking shows and medical documentaries.

6. If your attempt to pin unrest on western influence falls flat even in the middle east.

Despotic pseudo-democracies of the world take note. I’m looking at you too, America. Obama’s election still doesn’t erase the 2000 presidential clusterfuck.

The Jon and Kate divorce

Um, yeah. Actually, I don’t even know who the hell these people are and I don’t want to.

Moving on.

James von Brunn

If you’re going to go out in a blaze of anti-Semitic glory and shoot up a Holocaust museum, you might want to scrub your hard drive of all the kiddie porn you have stashed there first. Because, guess what, the police are going to swing by your house after your killing spree and check out what you have on your home computer. Now, I know, you figured everyone was going to despise you anyway for being such a hate-mongering murderous Nazi dick, but as it turns out, it actually IS possible for us to think even less of you. Go figure.

Kim Jong-il

Congratulations on naming your least-embarrassing son your successor as the North Korean head of state. One tip though. When seeking a smooth transition of power, do not start a nuclear war. In fact, starting any war at a moment like this is probably a bad idea. A threat of war doesn’t play much better either.

I know you like a parade. Everybody likes a parade. But when you’re rattling your sabre, don’t do the whole gigantic army-parade thing. I know it looks really impressive to have all your troops marching down main street in lock-step formation. But it makes a really tempting target. Every time we see that in the west, we don’t think “Wow, I’m so intimidated.” We think more along the lines of, “One napalm fly-by and that war’s over before it even starts.”

It’s a point of strategy. Read The Art of War. It’s probably covered in there somewhere.

Mark Sanford

Argentina is a long way to go for a booty call. Look, I get it, I’m a guy. Sometimes you’re so damn horny, flying to Argentina to get your knob polished sounds like a good idea. If you gotta do it, you gotta do it. When you don’t gotta do it, is when you’re the governor of a whole state and will be instantly missed by your staff, your wife, your family, the entire population of South Carolina, and the national news media.

Also not a super idea: going on an out-of-country booty call with public funds.

But best of luck with that presidential run in 2012 just the same!

Okay, I got that off my chest. Now back to work on my dirty movie. 105 pages and counting.