Chicken Wings And Cock Rings

Easter has passed, and with it the sacrificial lamb trilogy, not to mention a more nefarious trilogy, all in the Movies in Longshot section.

Yesterday saw me back on the set to watch two of the latest Fries With That? episodes to come out of post production. Intrepid director, Giles Walker, was particularly pleased with how one of the shows I wrote turned out and wanted to screen it for the cast and some of the crew. I think part of the reason it works so well is that I was writing about a subject near and dear to my heart: nerds. Specifically, zombie nerds laying siege to a handful of terrified victims in their quest for crappy plastic movie merchandise. I have no idea when the public at large will be exposed to the results, but at the rate YTV is running the show, it shouldn’t be long.

Fries With That? is now airing four times a week, Monday to Thursday at 9:30 pm. It’s playing back-to-back with Radio Active reruns, making it YTV’s unofficial Giancarlo Caltabiano hour. He’s the highest profile link between the two shows, but they share many of the same producers, crew, and writers (myself included).

None of my Fries episodes have been broadcast yet, but I look forward to seeing what products all my hard work will help push on an unsuspecting public during the commercial breaks. Probably a combination of diapers and Barbie dolls, which I suppose is more demographically desirable than Depends and Viagra.

Involving yourself with any sort of advertising these days is morally dicey but pragmatically unavoidable. The ads are everywhere, and there are no depths they won’t sink to in order to fill your head with product names and slogans. If they could beam this shit directly into your brain and make it your every waking thought, they would. I should be grateful I’m only associated in a television capacity. It’s a time-honoured, traditional way to berate people into consuming more. The ads piggyback on TV shows and vice versa. I supply the sugar, they supply the pill to swallow.

These days I don’t know which is more humiliating – what corporate ad executives do to shill their product, or the act of actually sitting through their crass sales pitches. Seriously, have you seen this? We now have a burger giant distancing itself from beef and embracing chicken…and S&M. That’s right, chicken and S&M. How can you have one without the other? I know when I buy a chicken breast, I always look for the nipple clamp.

Sex is nothing new in advertising. Neither is degradation. But shouldn’t we still at least pretend our lust for goods and services is wholesome and positive? It’s good for the economy, right? That’s always been our story, we should stick to it. I don’t think I like this idea of admitting the sick symbiotic relationship between buyer and seller as we take turns being each other’s dog. Truth in advertising is a rare commodity, so why start bandying it about, forcing us to decide who the Tops and Bottoms are, when all anyone really wants out of the transaction is a fucking McNugget? Or whatever equivalent the competition in question offers.

There’s probably some important lesson for marketing majors to glean from this new campaign. Possibly something along the lines of “never agree to be a costumed spokesman for any product no matter how desperate you are for an acting gig.” Having no desire to perform in any acting capacity, in or out of costume, that particular lesson is lost on me. Instead, the only thing the folks down at the ridiculously acronymed “BK” have taught me is that contrived porno webcam shows have gone mainstream.

Yet I suppose, in this time of increased sexual enlightenment, we should all be up on our dominant/submissive jargon, especially when it’s coupled with bestiality. So remember kids: when you stuff a roasted bird, use plenty of lube and always have a “safe” word if you’re planning on using your whole fist.