Remake, Redux, Reimagining, Regurgitation

The spring thaw brings us streets littered with all the crap people dropped in the snow over the long winter months. Adding to the filth in the gutter is the first wave of Hollywood summer releases, coming out one full season early. People were amazed when the studios first pushed their lowbrow blockbuster season back to the start of May. These days the wannabe hits are trickling out by mid-March. They’ll be in full swing come April.

An early launch of “tent pole” summer flicks means an early end to the season. We’ll be down to the dregs come July, and August should be a complete wash. By then, La-La-Land will be too busy promoting their Oscar-bait fall season. I think this is another byproduct of global warming. The weather isn’t seasonable anymore, so neither are the movies.

If you’ve been out to the cinema lately, you’ll know the operative word is “remake.” Everywhere you look, there’s a remake of something. Remakes of good movies, remakes of bad TV shows. Only a few of the movies I’ve checked out over the last few weeks haven’t been remakes. They were merely rip-offs.

Tear yourself away from the running zombies and the funny retoolings of bad 70’s cop shows that were laughable in the first place, and take another look at the classics and not-so-classics from years past. And keep your eye on the Movies in Longshot section, because soon you’ll be getting a rare exclusive sneak preview of a much-anticipated sequel that won’t even be released for another year. Where did I get this exciting inside report, you ask? Why, the exact same place Harry Knowles gets his reports. I pulled it out of my ass. Trust me, it will be every bit as accurate and reliable as the lies and disinformation that’s been bandied about on Ain’t-It-Cool-News lately.

You know, I don’t want to go out on an editorial limb here, but it’s getting so you can’t believe any of the rumours or hearsay on the web these days. Lucky thing I only care about movie news. If I wanted to get the real world news, I might have to resort to watching CNN. And getting the truth out of them is like trying to hit a fact by chucking a dart into the Grand Canyon.

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