Carson Caleb was an old fashioned hero. He always sought a phone booth where he could change into his costume. He never saved anyone.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 2, 2015

She-Rahm was a warrior goddess in the land of her ancestors. In the big city she was just another chick in skimpy cosplay armour.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 3, 2015

Donny gained extraordinary powers when he was bitten by a radioactive possum. One day he would find a way to save the world by playing dead.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 4, 2015

The Bullet Express was the fastest man on Earth. He always finished first. The Bullet Express was a premature ejaculator.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 5, 2015

Doctor Scarberia had one eye and metal hands. These traits did not make him a supervillain. They made him disabled.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 6, 2015

The Amazing Cloudburst could fly! It was a fantastic super power balanced out by the fact that he could never land.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 7, 2015

Binder Khan fancied himself a criminal mastermind. He had only ever stolen penny candy from the store, but he was working his way up.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 8, 2015

The Bencher could lift any amount of weight. Except his own fat ass. The Bencher had really let himself go since the divorce.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 9, 2015

The Grizzly dressed up as a bear in order to wage war on criminals. But fighting crime was incidental. It was an excuse to be a furry.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 11, 2015

Zip and Zap raced around the whole world to prove who was fastest. Thousands died during this contest because they weren’t doing their job.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 12, 2015

Captain Super Soldier was the greatest patriot ever engineered by science. There was no war crime he wouldn’t commit for his country.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 13, 2015

The Liquidator dispensed vigilante justice against all who would break the law. Mostly he kicked the shit out of jaywalkers.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 15, 2015

The Rubberized Man could stretch any part of his body to great lengths. Except his penis. He cursed his super power daily.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 16, 2015

In order to fight crime, Dirk Jansen would become something fearsome to behold. So Dirk became THE DARK KITTEN! Dirk was afraid of kittens.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 17, 2015

The Jester was the clown-prince of crime, a psychotic mass murderer, and a misery and pain to all. Like we needed an excuse to hate clowns.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 18, 2015

PerfectMan was invulnerable and all-powerful. He could do anything and save everyone. His adventures were boring as hell to watch.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 19, 2015

Double Dare leapt and somersaulted from rooftop to rooftop. He was the ultimate parkour hero until the unfortunate groin injury.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 20, 2015

The League of Awesome was a team of the most powerful superheroes. They never got anything done because they put everything to a vote.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 22, 2015

Ray-X could see through anything except lead. Which didn’t really matter because all he ever did was look through women’s clothing.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 22, 2015

AquaDude could breathe underwater and talk to all sea life. The other heroes avoided him because his powers sucked and he smelled like fish.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 23, 2015

The Condor used his robot wings to swoop down and snatch purses. Which was short sighted since he could have patented them for real money.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 24, 2015

Silken Sheen had no superpowers whatsoever, but the latex costume she wore was so tight, criminals were distracted by her camel toe.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 27, 2015

BrickBuster was unstoppable! BrickBuster could smash through anything! And because he couldn’t stop, he died in the Earth’s molten core.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 29, 2015

Wilbur kept exposing himself to gamma rays in hopes of developing super powers. This is how he became The Sensational Stage-Four Cancerman!

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 30, 2015

The serum was designed to give Private Grunt mighty muscles and super strength. Mostly it just gave him roid rage. Close enough.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 1, 2015

Bullets bounced off of Chest-Emblem like grains of rice. He was impervious! But not to knives. A street kid with a switchblade took him out.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 5, 2015

“How did you discover my secret lair?” spat Sinister Sam, who had hidden it so well. “Google Street,” said everyone with a computer.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 6, 2015

By day he was a mild-mannered accountant, but by night The Calculator was a mild-mannered accountant in sexy novelty boxer shorts.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 7, 2015

Top scientists gave Dave Danger a whole new robot body after the racecar accident. Dave wished he hadn’t signed that organ donor card.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 9, 2015

“Bulk Smash!” exclaimed The Bulk as he tore the place apart. He ran an unsuccessful antiques store that did no better than his china shop.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 13, 2015

The Mothman spread his wings and soared into the air. He spent all night repeatedly smacking his head into a street lamp.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 14, 2015

Ken had wished for super powers. Instead he got souper powers. Now he could drink a bowl of soup through his nose. Even chicken noodle!

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 16, 2015

Luna drew her power from the moon. When she did, she also drew the moon closer to her, until it slammed into the Earth, killing everyone.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 17, 2015

The Faint could turn himself invisible! Even his clothes! Just not the contents of his gastrointestinal system. He was an easy target.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 18, 2015

Magnetic Attraction relieved the guard of his gun and all metal objects. Unfortunately he was wearing braces, so his teeth came away too.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 20, 2015

“Grrr!” exclaimed The Rage as anger consumed him. He unleashed it on his enemy and said hurtful, rude things until justice was served.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 20, 2015

The Majestic Seabird could soar higher than any of the other winged superheroes. He was instantly grounded by his nemesis, Dr. Oil Spill.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 21, 2015

Wonderlady used her magic rope to make men speak truth. At least she thought it was the truth. It was all empty flattery and pick-up lines.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 22, 2015

Everyone knew Doctor Hollander Cross was the smartest man in the world. What they didn’t know was that all those degrees were Photoshopped.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 24, 2015

“Flame on!” exclaimed The Human Blowtorch. It was the last intelligible thing he said. The rest was just screams of pain and agony.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 24, 2015

The Hang Ten travelled the galaxy on a sleek surfboard saving us all from planet-eating monsters. Shrug. It was the ‘60s. We were stoned.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 25, 2015

The villainess stroked her feline companion and purred, “My very touch is poisonous.” Too late she realized she’d killed yet another cat.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 27, 2015

“I am the night!” the crusader told the thug. “Knight with a K?” the thug asked. “No! Night! Never mind,” he said and beat him unconscious.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 28, 2015

Spiderweb had a costume with a ridiculously complicated design. It was something a teenager would come up with but couldn’t possibly sew.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 30, 2015

“Muhahahahahahahaha!” cackled the evil genius, his voice echoing throughout his stronghold. Funny YouTube cat videos always made him laugh.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 31, 2015

Professor Doom-n-Gloom had won! The whole world now bowed down before him. But he still wasn’t happy. Maybe antidepressants were the answer.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 2, 2015

Mrs. Invisible wasn’t actually transparent. She just felt that way in her shitty, loveless marriage.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 2, 2015

Amazing Girl only had one power. Her flaming farts made her fly. But you have to admit, that’s pretty fucking amazing.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 3, 2015

Boomerang threw himself into the violent fray. “Don’t worry, I always come back!” he said. “Not from the dead,” said the thug who shot him.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 4, 2015

Klar-zhon was sent to Earth by his dying alien race to protect and serve. But he was from a tiny planet and our gravity kicked his ass.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 5, 2015

Negro-Power was the first black superhero in town. He had to point this out in his name since he wore a full-body suit and mask.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 6, 2015

Kip Gibson was the plucky kid sidekick of The Dark Vengeance until Child Protective Services stepped in and put a stop to that shit.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 7, 2015

Weird-O came from a dimension where the rules were reversed and everything was backward and wrong. This dimension was called Modern America.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 8, 2015

The Fortunate Four was a beloved team of heroes who enjoyed success for many years. Until multiple failed attempts at a movie franchise.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 10, 2015

“It’s clobberin’ time!” declared The What. He wasn’t speaking of battle. He was looking at the dismal box office returns.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 11, 2015

The Prophecy solved crimes from her wheelchair after The Jape shot her through the spine. But mostly she pandered to women and cripples.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 12, 2015

The Quizler tried to bewilder his nemesis with baffling puzzles, but he was defeated when the newspaper refused to print his sudoku.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 13, 2015

The Puffin was so named because of his bird-like waddle and tuxedo. Other than those traits, he was an ill-defined supervillain.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 15, 2015

Miss Teak was a shapeshifter who could imitate any human on Earth, but she was always given away by the fine wood-grain finish.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 16, 2015

The Snarl’s adamantium skeleton made him indestructible. It also made him immoveable since it increased his net weight by a thousand pounds.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 17, 2015

The Litmus Test was just a psychopath in a trench coat and funny mask. He wasn’t a superhero, but you wouldn’t want to try to tell him that.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 18, 2015

The Silk Svelte was a superheroine designed to empower little girls. Empower them with eating disorders and body issues.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 20, 2015

“Ker-Pow!” struck the hero’s fist. “Blam-O!” the villain kicked back. “Boom!” went the whole city. “Yawn!” said the more discerning reader.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 21, 2015

The Human Salamander could regenerate limbs. He lost a hand and grew it back. Lost a leg and grew it back. Lost his head and…not a limb.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 23, 2015

Klokwerkz the robot was built by our greatest minds to serve all of mankind. He answered tech support calls until he was sold for scrap.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 25, 2015

The Red-White-N-Blue stood for truth, justice, and the American way! Until these things became contradictions. He retired confused.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 27, 2015

Sonic Boomer flew around the planet to reverse Earth’s rotation and turn back time. He’d failed physics and now everyone was doomed.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 29, 2015

Nothing stuck to Mister Teflon! Except those kiddie porn charges. He was acquitted, but that shit stays with you forever.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 30, 2015

The Thingie was composed entirely of yellow rock. He was mined to death by prospectors searching for gold.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 31, 2015

The Black Widowmaker finally got hired to star in her own movie. Too bad it was a superhero porn parody, but a gig’s a gig.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 3, 2015

Judge Fred was the judge, jury and executioner of a dystopian future. Criminal bankers still got away with it, thus the dystopia.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 5, 2015

The Suicidal Squad was a group of mercenary supervillains who ran a suicide-prevention hotline that encouraged callers to just do it.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 5, 2015

Rodent Man built a secret lair under his wealthy family’s mansion. His identify was revealed when the whole house collapsed into the cave.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 6, 2015

Sureshot and Quiver argued whether shooting or archery qualified as a superpower. Neither did and they were both kicked out of the union.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 9, 2015

The Purrrrsuader was a cat burglar who dressed like a cat and spoke in cat puns. So much for cat burglars being subtle.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 14, 2015

Photon Man would shrink himself to the size of an atom, let his enemies inhale him, and then grow back to regular size. Messy but effective.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 16, 2015

The Manhattan Project became omniscient and all-powerful. And blue. Despite God-like abilities to change anything, he still went with blue?

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 16, 2015

Sergeant Bang wore a skull-shirt and shot gangsters. Everybody called him a hero. Well, okay, everybody in the NRA called him a hero.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 17, 2015

The Mighty Bore had big muscles and long golden hair. He was a dull superhero, but chicks and gay men really seemed to dig him.

— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 18, 2015