Words of wisdom, astute observations, and short bits of silliness. Shane wastes your time with his random tweets, but very little time considering they all have to be 140 characters or less. Here are some highlights. Follow him on Twitter for more highlights and unedited lowlights.
Do I win some sort of trifecta if three fake news stories from three different satirical outlets cross my Facebook feed in a row?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 29, 2015
A couple of days later and nothing. I guess all my human sacrifices to the #SuperBloodMoon have been proved pointless.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 29, 2015
Has history taught us nothing? If Matt Damon is stranded on a distant planet, FUCKING LEAVE HIM THERE! #TheMartian
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 29, 2015
Astronomy photography tip: that flash on your iPhone isn't going to help you take a picture of the blood moon. #SuperBloodMoon
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 28, 2015
Breakfast surprise! How does a modern factory-farm supermarket egg get fertilized? Has Skeeter been abusing himself in the henhouse again?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 24, 2015
RE: #CeciltheLion vs #SandraBland Am I not allowed to be outraged by more than one thing at a time? I'm a big boy now. I can multitask.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 30, 2015
#TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter Another round?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 29, 2015
The neighbours are getting their roof tarred. It stinks, but at least the fumes haven't affected my xylophone cushion wager banana.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 20, 2015
You can tell Pacino was just in town. Even the buskers in the metro were playing The Godfather theme.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) June 9, 2015
The key to all successful erotic writing is using the word "puckered" as often as possible, in reference to as many orifices as possible.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 29, 2015
Damn, I'm exhausted and sore from all that screwing. Damn, I wish I were talking about sex and not IKEA furniture.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 26, 2015
In my ongoing quest to kick caffeine I'm currently drinking an herbal tea called "Berry Poppins." I've never felt so emasculated.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 19, 2015
#ReasonIAmNotASuperhero Mornings are my Kryptonite.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 11, 2015
Mmm, rosé. The Kool-Aid of wines.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 26, 2015
#Oscars2015 I've got my snack bag (which will double as a barf bag when empty) ready. Let the cringe-inducing sycophancy begin!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 22, 2015
Walking in this frigid misery, whistling Maurice Jarre's score from Agaguk but thinking about Atanarjuat instead. Welcome to my brain.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 2, 2015
The wife just left on her two-week business trip. With her went my last reasons to eat healthily, wear pants, bathe and fart inaudibly.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 2, 2015
Gorilla suit + shirtless hero + girl accessory = everything that makes cinema worthwhile. http://t.co/3O4qh68ASh pic.twitter.com/MBROFjzDO2
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 31, 2015
#comedy Concerning rimshots and laugh tracks: Never announce that you’ve just been funny. If you have to tell them you were, you weren’t.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 25, 2015
Secretary of State, John Kerry, gives Paris a hug. *shudder* I'd sooner get a reach around from Herman Munster. http://t.co/Ht6p9gfzTb
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 16, 2015
#OscarNoms I am shocked! Shocked I say, that The Interview wasn't at least nominated in the Best Marketing Ploy category.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 15, 2015
#OscarNoms Best Writing categories listed on the Oscar site at the very end, right after Best Catering. Hollywood: where the writer is king!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 15, 2015
#FiveWordsToRuinADate Drink up, Cosby's tending bar!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 15, 2015
#WorstSexIn5Words This isn't lubricant, it's toothpaste!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 7, 2015
#WorstSexIn5Words Count the ceiling tiles. Again.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 7, 2015
#WorstSexIn5Words
"You coming?"
"No, I'm crying."— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 5, 2015
There's nothing quite so depressing for a man as buying condoms and watching the expiry date run out.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 16, 2014
#TortureReport Remember the old days when we used to hang Nazis for exactly this shit? Ah, good times! Accountable times.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 9, 2014
"What do we want? – Justice! – When do we want it? – Now!" What do I want? Original protest chants. When do I want it? In my lifetime.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 6, 2014
Recent British immigrants who move to #Canada and enthuse about all the #snow are ADORABLE. And annoying. Mostly annoying.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 6, 2014
#Screenwriting I just pitched an episode that's one long fart joke. This isn't about pride in my work. It's about putting food on the table.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 6, 2014
#Bond24 Monica Bellucci gets to be the first 50+ year-old Bond girl. That's pretty awesome. And no, Judi Dench and Lotte Lenya don't count.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 4, 2014
Overheard during the Interstellar end credits last night: "Christopher Nolan… He did the Batman movies, right? What else has he done?"
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 3, 2014
#GroundsForDivorceInFiveWords "Wait, he's your father, too?"
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 1, 2014
So when, exactly, did cricket become the deadliest blood sport on Earth? #cricketdeaths
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 30, 2014
.@ctvnewschannel A pedestrian in China getting hit by three cars is not news. It is a YouTube video. Please differentiate accordingly.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 26, 2014
3:45 PM is when I have to start seriously asking myself, "Will I get anything done today other than watching YouTube car-accident videos?"
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 25, 2014
The #BillCosby business meeting: Go to his room, have a glass of wine, wake up the next morning naked and smelling like Jell-O pudding.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 24, 2014
#MarionBarry Say what you will about his drug problems, but he made being a crack-smoking mayor cool. Not like certain cheap imitators.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 24, 2014
After three days off, 140 Horrible Characters is back from the grave. Like Jesus.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 23, 2014
#Toronto I'd say I was visiting the Ford Nation today, but that's not really accurate anymore is it? What is it now? The Ford Duchy?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 19, 2014
Lesson learned: Never admire anyone ever. Thanks Bill Cosby!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 19, 2014
I won't speak to the Cosby rape allegations, but anyone who makes Leonard Part 6 is clearly a monster.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 19, 2014
I don't care what the calendar says. If it snows and it stays, it's winter.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 19, 2014
Speaking on behalf of everybody, I think I should point out that you shouldn't speak on everybody's behalf.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 18, 2014
I absolutely cannot articulate the words "passed on" or "passed away." They stick in my throat like a burr. You die, you're dead, fuck it.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 14, 2014
#CBCradio If somebody "died following a suicide attempt" then they committed suicide. Be concise. Wake up your copy editor, he's snoring.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 13, 2014
I once met Jian Ghomeshi as a baby and I totally knew he was a piece of shit right then and there. I was like, "Fucking baby!" True story.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 7, 2014
#NYCin3Words What's that smell?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 7, 2014
Shauna Grant's Tomb #LesserNYLandmarks
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 4, 2014
#ScaryStoriesIn5Words The rusty needle struck bone.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 31, 2014
#ScaryStoriesIn5Words Surgery began, anesthesia came later.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 31, 2014
#ScaryStoriesIn5Words Outstanding tickets impounded ghost car.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 31, 2014
#ScaryStoriesIn5Words The open grave beckoned, hungry.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 31, 2014
#ScaryStoriesIn5Words Call display simply read, "Hell."
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 31, 2014
#ScaryStoriesIn5Words Ghomeshi's teddy bear actively participated.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 31, 2014
That cookie wasn't so bad if you ignore the fact that it was a year past its expiry date. And tasted like mouldy detergent crystals.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 25, 2014
#OttawaShooting I pity CNN on days like this, when they're stuck covering Canadian half-French press conferences. They seem so very lost.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 22, 2014
I'm having a medical emergency: Pinned under sleeping cats, itchy balls, can't reach. Who can assist?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 18, 2014
Monday the 13th has always sounded waaaaay scarier to me than Friday the 13th.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 13, 2014
So yeah, I got that BYOB epic-fail restaurant bottle open myself. And drank the whole thing alone. Oops. Don't look at me like that.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 10, 2014
The restaurant was "Bring Your Own Bottle." It should have mentioned, "and we'll butcher the cork till we can't get it open for your meal."
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 10, 2014
.@HistoryTVCanada is too busy being The Hunting Channel to show anything history related. Again. Antiquing for Morons next, fingers crossed.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 29, 2014
Turns out you don't snake a toilet with a real snake. What a disaster! Water and drowned snakes everywhere…
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 25, 2014
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly So there's, like, a moon base, and a trip to Jupiter. Which is totally stupid because this takes place 13 years ago.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 6, 2014
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly It's a movie about archaeology. With nazis and bible stuff. Yeah, you wouldn't like it.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 6, 2014
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A big shark eats people until it decides to eat a scuba tank instead, which is a bad idea because BOOM!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 6, 2014
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly Two dudes punch each other and start a club for other men to punch each other but it turns out there's just one dude.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 6, 2014
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A guy really misses his childhood sled so he publishes some newspapers, makes a zillion bucks and buys lots of shit.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 6, 2014
My greatest Four Word Film Review was for Fight Club. "Don't beat yourself up." They turned it down, probably because it wasn't a pun.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 10, 2014
Canada is not America's hat. America is Canada's underpants. And I don't need to tell you what that makes Florida.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 8, 2014
Creative writing on Twitter is for authors with commitment issues. That said, I’m going to do some creative writing on Twitter.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 2, 2014
The cat licks my finger until he's exhausted the flavour. Lick, lick, slurp, slurp, lick. Then he bites to release more tasty goodness.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 1, 2014
It's pretty disgusting when a centipede comes up through the drain. But you know what would be worse? If a human centipede did that.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 1, 2014
A blog is a diary the contemporary narcissist is too vain to keep private.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 31, 2014
Ever since I stopped using margarine, I've relied on butter. But Last Tango in Paris ruined butter for me years ago. Thanks, Brando!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 31, 2014
I’d like to live in the oldie-timey days. I miss chivalry. What don’t I miss? Scaphism. Look it up and be horrified.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 30, 2014
The time has passed to do a modern epistolary novel. Now it would be all misspelled texting and spam.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 29, 2014
That condor shadow that just passed over me freaked my shit out. But it was only a moth flying too close to the light bulb.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 29, 2014
I want to sleep, brain wants to write. Stupid brain.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 28, 2014
The very best way to make a body disappear is hydrochloric acid. A pig farm is second best. Not so great: putting it out with the trash.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 27, 2014
Just once, on a CSI show, when they ask a suspect "How did your semen get on that woman's clothes?" I'd like the guy to say, "Poor aim?"
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 27, 2014
Ever look at someone and think, “That’s a closed-coffin funeral,” even though they have yet to die or be horribly disfigured?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 27, 2014
That moment when you pick up a mouse toy in the dark and realize it is, in fact, a cat turd cleverly sculpted to appear like a mouse toy.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 26, 2014
Okay, I promised I wouldn't join Twitter, but there are some ideas best expressed in the format, if only I can get the hang of the 140 chara
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) July 26, 2014
Eyestrain Productions 