Presenting 140 notorious characters in 140 characters (or less). The genre is Twitter Noir.
This series ran from August 1, 2014 to October 9, 2014 on Shane’s Eyestrain Productions Twitter account.
Lola Dodge used to star in a Tijuana pony show until her horse threw a shoe. Sixteen stitches later, she never got back in the saddle.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 2, 2014
Brent Colson used to shake people down for quick cash. Perhaps ironically, his sole offspring died of shaken baby syndrome.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 2, 2014
Albert Dobbs embezzled from work until the day he retired. He retired poor because he worked his whole life away in a dime store.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 3, 2014
Candy Stinson got murder-one when she neglected a john who was into asphyxiation. Once in the gas chamber, she couldn’t breathe either.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 3, 2014
Benedictine Reginald Obberlenskowich had the longest name in Cell Block C. He also had the longest sentence, but died before it was up.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 3, 2014
“Knuckles” McPherson solved all his problems by punching them. Fine for a boxer, but he was a mechanic. He broke his hand on a Studebaker.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 4, 2014
Taffy Wynn was mommy and daddy’s little girl right up until she wanted her inheritance. Then she was mommy and daddy’s little orphan.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 4, 2014
People knew him as “Boss.” That was the only word he could pronounce after the head injury. “Boss” wasn’t the boss of anything.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 4, 2014
Officer Neil was a bad cop. He took bribes, beat suspects, falsified evidence. He’d bring donuts to work for everyone, so he wasn’t all bad.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 5, 2014
“Touchy” Bill Mack could open any safe in the city. But then everybody switched to online banking, so that fucked that up.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 5, 2014
Ted Rinse was a confidence trickster right up until he lost confidence in his ability to trick anyone. Now he sells Amway.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 6, 2014
Father Paul was a preacher with a secret. Sometimes he’d touch himself. He wanted to confess, but he wasn’t Catholic. Goddamn Catholics!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 7, 2014
Betty Rodgers was a black widow. She’d marry for money and poison her husbands. They all drank the poison willingly. Betty was fugly.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 7, 2014
“John Doe” was the name they gave to the unidentified corpse down at the morgue. Who would have thought they’d guessed right?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 7, 2014
Sean O’Leary had the curse of the Irish. He drank too much, he only ever ate potatoes, and he died of a cliché overdose.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 8, 2014
Prisoner 0133872 hopped the fence and ran from the guards. He ran from the cops. He ran from the dogs. Once free, he ran for office.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 9, 2014
Too late, Mark Bolton realized he was the patsy and the crime was going to be pinned on him. What mastermind had framed him for jaywalking?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 9, 2014
Sam Stone was a private eye. He never got any good cases. He usually got hired to take photos of cheating husbands. Being a P.I. sucked.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 10, 2014
“But I’m innocent!” declared Mr. Wilburn, who had committed no murder yet faced the hangman. An innocent pedophile. So fuck him.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 10, 2014
The witness pointed at Man #3 in the lineup and declared, “That’s him.” Man #3 was a plant. He always got picked. He had one of those faces.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 10, 2014
Jesse Lee Roy was a notorious bank robber. He had robbed dozens of banks of those little pens they keep on chains.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 11, 2014
They said Ben Lee was trouble from the day he was born. Which is really unfair. What kind of asshole says that about a newborn baby?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 11, 2014
Madam Sasha ran the cheapest brothel in town. A fiver would buy you rum and a ride. The rum was so bad you’d never know you didn’t get laid.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 12, 2014
Reggie Dunn woke up with two black eyes, spitting teeth. He couldn’t remember what he’d said, but it was probably racist. It usually was.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 12, 2014
Hektor Carlos ran his crime syndicate like a military force, so he shouldn’t have been surprised when he was retired by firing squad.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 13, 2014
They all laughed at Henry Puckette until he killed every one of them. So who’s laughing now? The prosecutor. The conviction made his career.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 13, 2014
Eddie Rache fancied himself a serial killer even though he was just snapping chicken necks for the butcher. One day he’d upgrade.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 14, 2014
Lady Mary Elizabeth Colin was a debutante of the highest quality. The highest quality of weed that is. She dealt out of the back of a van.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 14, 2014
The tall dark man was a hitman who could be summoned by posting a cryptic ad in the classified section. But who reads newspapers anymore?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 15, 2014
“Butterfly” was the name she once went by as a high-price call girl. “Mom” is what she’s been called since she had her trick baby.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 15, 2014
Paul Kessle was in charge of drawing the chalk outlines around murder victims. He much preferred it when they were all in one piece.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 16, 2014
They called Miss Midnight a “femme fatale.” She had many secrets. Like her penis. But “homme fatale” didn’t have the same ring to it.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 17, 2014
The Little Man was king in this town, boss of many bigger men. They brutally enforced his rules and got things for him on high shelves.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 17, 2014
“Sledgehammer” Kowalski took a dive in the sixth, just as planned. He wasn’t a boxer, he was a snitch. The sixth was a water tank.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 17, 2014
She called herself “Cassandra” because she thought it was a beautiful name. But her job wasn’t pretty. Cassandra made bodies disappear.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 18, 2014
Benton Fulge was the one who fished the body out of the river. He threw it back because he was more in the mood for trout.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 18, 2014
She wouldn’t have minded being called a gun moll so much, except her real name was Molly Gunn. Coincidences are silly sometimes.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 19, 2014
“Cutter” wasn’t a real doctor, but he stitched up bullet wounds for the mob. None of his patients survived. He sewed beautifully, though.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 20, 2014
His mother had once called Percy a shit stain on the underpants of the world. That was the nicest thing she ever said to him. Also the last.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 20, 2014
The jailbird sang a tune to the police. He sang at a much higher pitch when the mob caught up with him. That’s because they took his balls.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 20, 2014
Benjamin Voit was afraid to pick up hitchhikers, but sometimes he just had to. He couldn’t leave their bodies where they might be found.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 21, 2014
Sandy James ran through the woods, away from her kidnappers. She had paid them to abduct her sister, not her. Stupidity comes cheap.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 21, 2014
Kids used to make fun of Rupert Pris and his name. These days he breaks legs for loan sharks and hopes to meet one of those kids again.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 22, 2014
Dickie Barnes was convicted of first and second degree murders, but enjoyed the aggravated assault best of all. That charge was dropped.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 22, 2014
Clark Kinsley could forge any signature, except his own. He was such a non-entity, he had to steal identities to have one at all.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 23, 2014
Doug Frenz was identified as one of the bodies in the mass grave. He was found at the bottom of the pile. Forensics said he died last.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 24, 2014
Brent Speeks knew it was a bad idea to dispose of the body with a woodchipper. But everyone just assumed he was painting his house red.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 25, 2014
Abram Kursky was a prolific blackmailer. They never would have caught him except he put his return address on his extortion notes.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 26, 2014
They found Janet Sweeney at the bottom of her luxury swimming pool. She’d married for money and died for cheating with the pool boy.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 26, 2014
The armoured-car hijacking went like clockwork until Steve Lloyd got four flat tires taking a shortcut. Traffic wasn’t even that bad.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 26, 2014
Lee Jenson wished he’d planned the murder carefully. Who would have thought he’d commit a crime of passion? Most days he even bored himself.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 27, 2014
Only once was Jack Q. asked to hide something in the prison food he prepared. A razor blade. The recipient choked and Jack got more time.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 27, 2014
Sarah Gough faked a lot of things. Interest, love, orgasms. Her fixation with diamonds was real. She owned many when she died old and alone.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 28, 2014
Tax evasion doesn’t sound like a serious crime, but Malcolm Niemes ran over six people while evading the tax man, killing four.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 28, 2014
The man they called “Blank” had no face! He thought he could commit crimes with impunity, but his mug shot was a dead giveaway.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 29, 2014
“It’s pronounced Verner, idiot!” It was the last time Werner corrected anyone. People saw his name on the tombstone and still said it wrong.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 30, 2014
Sometimes one shot wouldn’t get the job done, so Dwight would finish the hit with a hammer. Bullets were cheap, but Dwight was cheaper.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 30, 2014
Lindy-Lu had been through every man in town looking for a way out. They all took her for a ride, but none of them had a sense of direction.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 31, 2014
Jimmy Smotes never took one step onto the right side of the tracks. He always figured everywhere was just as shit as where he’d been born.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) August 31, 2014
Bart got busted by the cops again. They were always hassling him for stuff he didn’t do. And one thing he did do. The commissioner’s wife.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 1, 2014
Freddie Five Fingers ran a crooked craps game in the alley behind the bar. Once we learned it was crooked he became Freddie No Fingers.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 1, 2014
Cheung Yen was in charge or rolling the patrons of the opium den once they were too high to resist. He only ever found pawn shop tickets.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 2, 2014
“You should see the other guy!” said Bully Bill who was black and blue. None of the other fellows suspected it was his wife who'd beat him.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 3, 2014
Clive Shrutt worked down at the meat-packing plant. Sometimes they packed pork, sometimes beef, sometimes informant.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 4, 2014
Hugo was the muscle. His job was to look menacing. Nobody knew he had never thrown a punch in his life and had the mind of a six-year-old.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 5, 2014
Pierce had a knife in his boot, a gun in his coat, and a bullet in the back of his head. You’re never prepared if you don’t see them coming.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 5, 2014
“I collect your union dues or I collect your teeth,” threatened the man with the bat. “Here,” said Haskel, and handed him his dentures.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 6, 2014
Smuggling down at the docks was fruitful for Demers, who trafficked in drugs, guns and novelty snow globes from distant lands.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 8, 2014
Doctor Carruthers extracted damning information from his patients while they were hypnotized, but only used it to help heal them. The sap!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 8, 2014
Vicki Vance used her long legs and sexy curves to seduce rich men, and her cudgel and blackjack to steal their wallets back at the motel.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 8, 2014
The defense lawyer assured his client, “I can get you off.” The client was relieved until he realized he meant sexually. He still got life.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 9, 2014
“Mumbles” is a man of few words, and what few he says are rarely intelligible. Listen closely though, he might be giving you last rites.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 9, 2014
They always got Henry Wynn to shoot the horses that went lame at the track. His hobby horse threw him as a boy and he never forgave.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 9, 2014
Half of Jay Hick’s job in the subway was to scrape up suicides. The other half was to be quiet about it so as not to encourage more.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 10, 2014
Vance Severn was paid, and paid well, to see nothing and hear nothing. But when paid more, he had plenty to say about what he heard and saw.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 10, 2014
Mick Robson escaped from the chain gang. Not by sawing through his manacles, which would have taken ages, but through the man next to him.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 11, 2014
Drew sank bodies in the swamp and gators took care of any evidence. One day they took care of him instead. Left no evidence then, neither.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 11, 2014
Hobo Joe travelled the country for free, hopping from freight to freight. One day he went west. The other half of him went east.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 11, 2014
“Open up, police!” Ed yelled, flashing his fake badge at the spy hole. The bullet that shot back through the hole was the genuine article.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 12, 2014
Frank Rockefeller wasn’t a member of THE Rockefeller family, but he never corrected anyone who assumed, even the kidnapper who came for him.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 13, 2014
Rook’s bloated corpse drifted down river until it got stuck in the hydroelectric dam, killing the city lights. At last, real power was his!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 14, 2014
Alison was a typical English mother-in-law. A sharp barb here, a pointed remark there. But then tea, biscuits, and a crumpet. With arsenic.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 14, 2014
“Lethal Barrel” sounded like a slick name for a gangster’s dame, but that was how she actually pronounced it. The poor girl had a lisp.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 15, 2014
Cindy Dee wanted to see her name up in lights. The cops arrested her for swapping the bulbs on the marquee. C-I-N-D was as far as she got.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 16, 2014
Eric Packer was a cypher man who counted cards at the casino. He thought he could beat the house. The house beat him instead. With pipes.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 16, 2014
They call her “Kitty” because she purrs when you stroke her thigh. Go too high and you’ll find the Derringer, always loaded.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 17, 2014
DeVries grappled with the man and shoved him off the roof. No one would suspect him! Then he noticed his monogrammed clip-on tie was gone.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 18, 2014
“So long, suckers!” declared Samson Wigg as he skipped town with the payroll. But starting that week, staff was paid by cheque, not cash.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 18, 2014
Vern Bay got his foot caught in the train tracks running from the law. Good thing the 11:10 was so late. Too bad the 11:25 was so early.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 19, 2014
Senator Struthers was bought and paid for. He didn’t know who was behind the payola but hoped it was just the mob and not the other party.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 19, 2014
Uldrik went undercover in prisons to get jailhouse confessions from inmates. His sentence began for real when his sole liaison dropped dead.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 20, 2014
Mason Hemlock was a consulting detective who made Scotland Yard look foolish. He was fond of sticking whoopee cushions under constables.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 20, 2014
Bursk, tied to a chair, figured he was in for a beating. He was tough guy, he could take it. But then they brought out the tickling feather.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 21, 2014
“Doc” was a highly qualified back-alley abortionist. His qualifications weren’t medical. He just happened to own lots of wire coat hangers.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 21, 2014
Ruffus didn’t mind doing a twenty-year stretch. His real punishment came during prison visits when his wife brought him his dose of remorse.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 22, 2014
Ishers considered being a prime suspect a compliment. Like being a prime cut of meat. All that killing was what kept him in his prime.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 22, 2014
Troy Farningham thought he was a gigolo, seducing wealthy women. But women found him repulsive. Mostly he blew middle-class men for cash.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 22, 2014
Kendric received the awaited telegram in the lobby. It read “DO NOT DARE STOP.” He was unsure if he’d been instructed to go ahead or abort.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 23, 2014
The coroner slipped the toe tag onto the victim. Identifying him had been hard. He hoped the next shift could read his terrible handwriting.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 23, 2014
The building was a smouldering ruin with one dead. They would never discover the serial arsonist. He was the one burnt beyond recognition.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 23, 2014
Axel Reece pimped out ladies from his stable of escorts. Well, it wasn’t a sable of escorts so much as a pigpen of two-dollar whores.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 24, 2014
Famed sleuth, Old Lady Parker, always seemed to be on hand to solve whodunit murders. No one realized she was the one whodunem all.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 24, 2014
Hester James was a top spy in the corporate espionage game. It sounded glamorous, except her assignment was to steal toaster technology.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 25, 2014
For a nickel tip, the shoeshine boy would be your eyes and ears on the street. No tip and he’d make disparaging remarks about your loafers.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 25, 2014
Anthony gave his best friend a Sicilian necktie for Christmas. It involved cutting his throat and pulling his tongue out through the slit.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 26, 2014
Nick Fultrip was the most successful bank robber there was. He’d stolen millions and never been caught. As manager, he set the bank fees.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 26, 2014
“Tin Cup Bob” was a beggar on the street. One day someone put a diamond earring in his cup. It still had an ear attached. He accepted both.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 27, 2014
Peter West wasn’t happy with his new shoes. They weren’t comfortable and didn’t fit. But it wouldn’t be for long. They were cement shoes.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 27, 2014
Pat Dade leapt out the window and escaped his would-be assassins. But he was eighteen floors up and couldn’t escape the pavement.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 27, 2014
Bruiser kicked the door in, shattering it. He got his man, but died three weeks later of tetanus contracted from a single splinter.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 28, 2014
Kingpin Coen buried his victims in the columns of a construction site. The building fell down because dead gangsters make a poor foundation.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 29, 2014
The gunfight was intense. Spence checked his pockets. He still had plenty of bullets left. Too bad he’d pawned his .38 Colt last week.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 29, 2014
Cooper spent all night trying to pick the lock. He finally got it open in time to show the morning security shift his handiwork.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 29, 2014
In the barroom brawl it was broken bottles versus broken pool cues. The barkeep played referee with a shotgun and was the last man standing.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 30, 2014
Tad Preen didn’t understand what a cat burglar was. He stole cats for the ransom money. Buying kibble and kitty litter ate all his profits.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 30, 2014
Manfred contemplated his life of ill-gotten gain over a snifter of brandy. He had a ton of money and not one ounce of love. A fair trade.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) September 30, 2014
Paco the snitch knew where all the bodies were buried but kept his mouth shut because he also knew where there was a spot reserved for him.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 1, 2014
Francine denied being involved in the hit and run right up until the cops opened the garage and found the victim still stuck in the grill.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 1, 2014
They told Rick they’d cut off a toe for every wrong answer he gave. Rick only knew one thing. They had way more questions than he had toes.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 1, 2014
The barber was paid to cut the gangster’s throat while he was in his chair, but he had no straight razor. That was a close shave indeed!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 2, 2014
Shifty’s junkyard crushed cars into cubes. Sometimes those cubes leaked blood because there were bodies in the trunks. He never checked.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 2, 2014
The city streets called to Shamus, a sweet siren call. Oh wait, that was a real siren. Somebody called the cops about his pet tiger again.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 3, 2014
Smitty Deuce didn’t care for fedoras. He preferred to wear a beanie. The other gangsters didn’t just laugh at him, they whacked him.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 3, 2014
“Got a light?” the seductress asked suggestively. He reached for a match, thinking he might lose his soul, knowing he would lose his wife.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 3, 2014
Al Bowyer fled across the border, barely ahead of the law, three exes and a paternity suit. Mexico offered a clean slate. And tacos.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 4, 2014
The manhunt had caught up with Sidney at the cliff’s edge. He wasn’t going to break rocks in prison. He jumped and broke some with his face.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 5, 2014
Hobbs placed a bet on the dog fight just before he fell into the pit and was torn to pieces. It was a draw, but both dogs won a tasty meal.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 5, 2014
“Ugliest mug shot I ever seen,” said Sergeant Wasser, “He doin’ time?” “Ten years so far,” said the chief, snatching back his wedding photo.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 6, 2014
When they drained the canal for repairs, they found Georgie-Boy chained to an anchor in the silt. Not such an accidental drowning after all.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 6, 2014
Kid Malo was a wise-ass playing at being a tough-guy. He was neither and got himself killed before he was old enough not to be called “Kid.”
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 7, 2014
Langdon had seen bad shit everywhere. The war, the city, the streets. At last he was ready to provide the hard-boiled voiceover of his life.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 7, 2014
Shot, stabbed, garroted, “Brick” had survived it all. So what done him in? The love of a woman? Nope. The love of a dog. A rabid dog.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 7, 2014
“Follow that cab!” barked the man in back. The driver observed the sea of yellow taxis at rush hour and remarked, “Off duty. Get out!”
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 8, 2014
Kreeger woke up in a pool of blood. Again. Maybe it was his, maybe someone else’s. He had a name for this sort of situation. “Mondays.”
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 8, 2014
Boisey was delighted to be taken for a ride by his mobster friends. He hung his head out the window like a big dumb dog on the one-way trip.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 8, 2014
The jury was bought, but Juror 7 insisted on studying the evidence again. What did he see in those crime-scene photos? A girl he once loved.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 9, 2014
The industrialist had gotten ahead by screwing the little guy. He always knew the little guy would come back one day with a power drill.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 9, 2014
The sleazy motel’s neon sign flickered and buzzed at Dirk through slatted window shades. Cheap room, but you can’t buy better atmosphere.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 9, 2014
He was a hard man who drank hard liquor. He lived hard, loved hard. At the end of the night, he hit the floor. Hard.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 10, 2014
The crime writer banged away on his Underwood. One day they’d invent a more efficient machine, but it just wouldn’t be the same.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 10, 2014
