Presenting 140 horrible characters in 140 characters (or less). The genre is Twitter Horror.
This series ran from October 13, 2014 to December 21, 2014 on Shane’s Eyestrain Productions Twitter account.
Lothar was made of various body parts all stitched together. He wondered what the doctor was thinking when he gave him breasts.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 13, 2014
Batholomey was a vampire who could never quite get the hang of a seductive European accent. Not that it would help. He stank of the grave.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 14, 2014
Caldrich Bains had a secret. He was a werewolf. But that wasn’t his secret. His secret was that he’d had fleas before the change.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 14, 2014
Bogpus was actually quite learned for a swamp creature. He was literate and owned many books. Unfortunately they were all wet and mouldy
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 15, 2014
Arthur Cross suffered a terrible metamorphosis. He tried to explain this to his mother on the phone, but she thought he was only coming out.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 15, 2014
Patrick Trent was a genuine psychopath. Not the stabby-stabby kind. But he would totally steal your parking spot without guilt.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 16, 2014
Eddie Prin was a shape-changer. Every full moon he would turn into a werejellyfish. He could scare no one and was quite ashamed.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 16, 2014
Doctor Falzak was a mad scientist. Not insane, merely angry. He was angry because he sucked at science. In school he’d been good at phys-ed.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 17, 2014
Borranadon stomped on city after city. At last, the army built MechaBorranadon to counter the menace. Turns out he only needed a giant hug.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 18, 2014
Radiation grew the ant to an enormous size. But it was just a worker, not a queen. All it did was deliver too much sugar to the ant hill.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 18, 2014
Why did the hunchback always end up as the lab assistant, wondered Gorpt. Four years of medical training shot because of hyperkyphosis.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 19, 2014
The disembodied brain commanded, “Kill! Kill! KILL!” There might have been horrible consequences had it any psychic powers whatsoever.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 19, 2014
The acidic ooze-monster did nothing but consume and absorb everything in its path. Luckily it was only a microorganism in a petri dish.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 20, 2014
The severed hand, once animated, crawled around looking for throats to strangle. Or a penis to masturbate.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 20, 2014
Now that Alfred had decided to become a mad slasher, he only had to choose a signature mask. That proved difficult. More so than killing.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 20, 2014
Grizmorah wondered, if she was such a fearsome witch, why didn’t she have a spell to save herself from being burned at the stake?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 21, 2014
Bomboah was a voodoo zombie raised from the dead. He wanted to be a flesh-eating zombie like the cool kids, but it was not to be.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 21, 2014
The malignant tumour developed a mind of its own! So it studied philosophy and science and tried to better itself. They cut it out anyway.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 21, 2014
The press called him a mad killer. Mad? Was it mad to collect the hearts of his victims? And push them around like toy cars? BRUM-BRUM!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 22, 2014
The invisibility serum made Tim the most dangerous man alive. But murder and mayhem weren’t his thing. Instead he snuck into shows for free.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 22, 2014
Sandra Benson was sure she was possessed by the devil. She could hear it growling deep within her soul. Or was it that burrito she ate?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 22, 2014
Cedric Bottoms was a cruel little boy who enjoyed pulling the wings off of flies. Especially after his father was transformed into one.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 23, 2014
Being a mummy wasn’t a curse for Im-Ho Rah so much as a pain in the ass. He hated changing his bandages when only Band-Aids were available.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 23, 2014
Count Varnel was a powerful vampire who could transform into various creatures of the night. He didn’t do bats though. Why? One word: Guano.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 23, 2014
Captain Quilby hated being eaten alive by a shark. He wished the beast had at least chewed. Being swallowed whole was a slow way to go.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 24, 2014
Gristle the ghoul robbed graves to feast on the dead. His mother taught him table manners, so he savaged them with a knife and fork.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 25, 2014
The monster demanded a bride! Instead of making him one, Doctor Jaffer fixed him up with his ex-wife. Now he doesn’t owe alimony.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 25, 2014
The hideous slime creature just wanted a good woman to love. Love, tear to pieces, and eat raw. Was that so wrong?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 25, 2014
The genetically engineered parasite wrapped around his cerebellum made Johnnie do terrible, unspeakable things. Karaoke mostly.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 26, 2014
Axes had been done to death. So had chainsaws. Kroger Lang wanted a new angle. He resolved to be the very first whipper-snipper murderer.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 26, 2014
The poltergeist moved objects unexpectedly, but nobody noticed. A paperclip was the biggest he could manage. He needed to work out.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 27, 2014
Burt remembers being smart once. Now he’s a zombie, and no matter how many brains he eats, he only feels dumber and dumber. And hungrier.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 27, 2014
Lloyd thought the label “cannibal” was unfair. He liked to think he was having his friends for dinner. And dessert. And leftovers.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 28, 2014
Maurice the werewolf howled at the moon. Even when transformed he thought it was rude of the frat boys to drop their pants like that.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 28, 2014
Jeremy Hollander had been dead three years before he realized he was a ghost. His schedule never changed. Dead or alive, TV stays the same.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 29, 2014
Wiggly was a fluffy, adorable pet rabbit. A rabid, three-hundred-pound, man-eating pet rabbit. He was a monster. His owner was worse.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 29, 2014
Inspector Belnik followed the suspect’s footprints until they became webbed and clawed. He put away his gun and switched to a wooden stake.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 29, 2014
The Amazing Inside-Out Man was a horror to behold. But when he gave chase, he kept shedding organs everywhere. It really slowed him down.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 30, 2014
Aldolpho, the maimed composer, dropped chandeliers on performers at the opera house. Not for revenge. Just to get them to shut the hell up.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 30, 2014
In retrospect, the scientists decided, maybe RoboHitler wasn’t such a hot idea. You’d think the PR department would have pointed that out.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 31, 2014
Damien The Witchfinder was content he was doing God’s work burning witches. It was entirely coincidental that he was also a misogynist.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) October 31, 2014
Darian’s portrait aged in his stead, but when it burned he suddenly reflected his true age. Painted only a year earlier, nobody noticed.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 1, 2014
Bathazar was possessed by a vile demon of the pit. But Bathazar was a hamster and could only run around in his wheel impotently.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 1, 2014
Sunder Lone was a prolific vampire slayer who staked hundreds of vampires. At least he said they were vampires. Anyway, they’re dead now.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 1, 2014
Gillman did have gills, but they were decorative. When zoologists captured him, they put him in a tank of water and wondered why he drowned.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 2, 2014
They ritualistically murdered baby Francesco because he bore the number of the beast. It was actually “999.” They read it upside-down.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 3, 2014
Sliver the Sinister Shade hid under children’s beds at night. But he always gave himself away because he was allergic to dust bunnies.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 3, 2014
The Ripper stalked a woman through the foggy cobbled streets. When she least expected it, he struck and ripped her dress. It was his kink.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 3, 2014
The giant alligator owned the bijou for a whole century. Then he got shot for that stupid gator-hunter show on The History Channel.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 4, 2014
Octavian Furio was immortal and had lived for thousands of years. But eternal life doesn’t mean eternal youth. Now he wears diapers.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 4, 2014
The Clown Doll was evil incarnate and preyed on children. Fortunately no one ever took that creepy-ass thing home from the toy store.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 5, 2014
The Incredible Melting Man was indeed incredible. At least until he finished melting. Then he was merely fodder for the wet-vac.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 5, 2014
Countess Bianca bathed only in the blood of virgins. The village girls were quite slutty, so Bianca took lots of showers.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 6, 2014
As sea monsters went, the Mighty Humongous kept to itself, menaced no one, and never came to the surface. Subs, however, were fucked.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 6, 2014
Zorb was the result of a rare coupling between a Sasquatch and a Yeti. He was shunned by both communities as a monster mulatto.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 6, 2014
The Brain That Would Not Die was certainly powerful and dangerous. But it was also stuck in a body that was very much dead and buried.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 7, 2014
“Turn me, so that we may be together until the end of time!” Lucy told her vampire lover. The one-night stand was now out of control.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 7, 2014
The haunted fog seemed to have a mind of its own, a strange and uncanny intelligence. It too could get shitty songs stuck in its head.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 8, 2014
With a giant mouth, Blurg could swallow an entire man. He’d eat you alive! Blurg had no digestive system. So he’d also crap you alive.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 8, 2014
“Running zombies suck!” Wilbur, a shambling zombie, thought. “Slow and steady wins the race.” He told himself this and wept.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 9, 2014
Kloothuk was a feathered and tentacled god of the ancient world. He was powerless now because nobody believed in such a silly looking god.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 9, 2014
The Buick was a black car, driverless and haunted, that patrolled the streets looking to run down pedestrians. But nobody walks in L.A.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 9, 2014
The responsible Dr. Heckle drank the potion and transformed into his primitive alter ego, irresponsible med-student Heckle. Ah, good times!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 10, 2014
The mysterious cat people prowled the night. They were like regular people except they bathed with tongues and were obsessed with string.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 10, 2014
The phone rang again, startling the babysitter. He was always calling, always there, every hour, driving her mad. He was…The Telemarketer.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 11, 2014
The virus was designated R47-V, which was a nice way of saying “The Explosive Blood-Poop of Death.” It killed many. Mostly by embarrassment.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 11, 2014
Death Incarnate took a holiday and nobody could die. It sounded great until people found out they could still injure and maim themselves.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 11, 2014
“Ick!” used a proboscis to suck brains out of people’s skulls. Also disgusting was its habit of exclaiming, “Whoa, brain freeze!” each time.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 12, 2014
No garlic, no crosses, no mirrors. Blarney obeyed all the vampire rules except for the one about not parking in a handicap spot.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 13, 2014
The Executioner wore a black hood and hunted victims in the name of justice. But nobody was willing to sit still for a lethal injection.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 13, 2014
Sarleen the succubus could seduce any mortal man. She did so by supernatural means, because bat wings and a tail are not a good look.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 13, 2014
Megashark, Mechashark, Sharknado, Sharktopus… By the time Sharkpocalypse came along, shark attacks had jumped the shark.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 14, 2014
The Human Doppelgänger could mimic anyone perfectly. Sadly, perhaps tragically, he used his talent to become yet another Elvis impersonator.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 14, 2014
Munroe the Mystic could predict who would die. “But everybody dies!” pointed out one kid who was then murdered for telling trade secrets.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 15, 2014
The creepy child sat at the edge of the bed, staring in the dark as people slept. As a creepy adult he got a good night’s sleep with NyQuil.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 15, 2014
“Back!” commanded the exorcist. “Back to the fiery pit from whence you came!” The demon obeyed and bought a bus ticket to Cleveland.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 16, 2014
The flock of birds attacked, pecking and clawing and causing marginal damage. They should have done this before they evolved from dinosaurs.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 17, 2014
Reanimated body parts were nothing new, but a gallbladder? The sentient gallbladder bemoaned its lot in life and spat up bile.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 17, 2014
“It was sort of a winged rat-monkey with bear claws and lizard scales,” said the witness. “Oh,” he added, “and it tasted like chicken.”
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 18, 2014
Total bodily dismemberment was the only way to destroy the demonites! Bradley sighed and grabbed the only tool available: a spork.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 18, 2014
The devouring furball swallowed Ed’s head whole! But it had no teeth to bite it off. Ed was stuck wearing the creature as a hat for weeks.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 18, 2014
The immortal man wandered the Earth forever. None were as cursed as he! His many ex-wives were immortal as well and all claimed alimony.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 19, 2014
The headless rider ended his night of terror early to go home and feed his horse. He dined as well, stuffing baby food down his throat hole.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 19, 2014
The legend said a terrible serpent dwelled deep in the loch. The legend was a medieval tourism campaign to bolster the slow local economy.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 23, 2014
Dr. Teeth took another hit of laughing gas and began extracting his helpless victim’s molars. This was so much more fun than gynecology!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 24, 2014
“I’m a ghost!” Chuck said, throwing a sheet over his head to frighten children. Briefly blinded, he became a real ghost when a car hit him.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 24, 2014
Lamont completed the reanimation ritual. All the corpses were alive again! “Top that, PETA,” he said as he left the meat-packing plant.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 24, 2014
The monster lumbered away from the angry peasants. They hunted him with torches and pitchforks and a pricey lawyer with a restraining order.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 25, 2014
The microscopic cooties were everywhere, on every surface! They were benign, but Michael spent his life in a plastic bubble just to be safe.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 25, 2014
Gorash found out the hard way that not all vampires are issued fangs. He had teeth once, but they buried him without his dentures.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 25, 2014
Yuulg was dispatched to the graveyard to find a viable brain for the master’s creature. He only found one. But the gravedigger was using it.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 26, 2014
The Seven Winds was a ghost ship that sailed after wayward vessels! But these days anything with a motor could easily outrun it.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 26, 2014
The cycloptic beast reached for another victim with his bone-crushing hand and missed by ten yards. Foiled again by no depth perception!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 26, 2014
Durdge was a loyal servant to the evil master, but that didn’t stop him from forming a union to collectively bargain raises and benefits.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 27, 2014
Phillipus the torturer was a virtuoso with the rack, thumbscrews and the iron maiden. But his favourite punishment? Talk radio.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 27, 2014
The Deadly Irony killed people by ironing them to death. Which wasn’t ironic at all. Which, in turn, was itself sort of ironic. Mind blown!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 27, 2014
The old Valance house wasn’t haunted. It was alive and ate all who stepped foot inside! It choked to death on some Jehovah’s Witnesses.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 28, 2014
Mug was a brute who strangled his victims until he lost both thumbs in a freak accident. Now he pokes his victims, which is merely annoying.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 29, 2014
The banshee screeched its keen until everyone’s ears bled. It was just like attending a Celine Dion concert, but much cheaper.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 29, 2014
Cultists set fire to the pentagram in their sacrificial grove and burned the woods down. Only you can prevent forest fires. And Satanism.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 29, 2014
Nobody realized the film crew was being stalked and killed by their star monster. Except the screenwriter who wrote that hackneyed script.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 30, 2014
Vincent’s inner voice told him to kill them all! But he resisted and never obeyed because, guess what, we all have that inner voice.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 30, 2014
The Antichrist ushered in The End of Days. Nights, however, persisted. People learned to adapt and skin cancer was abolished. Thanks, dude!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) November 30, 2014
The vivisectionist performed surgery without anesthetic! But they were all elective procedures, mostly skin-tab removals. So shrug, whatevs.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 1, 2014
The desert sands shifted with a mind of their own and smothered lost souls. Merciful, considering dying in the desert is slow otherwise.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 1, 2014
The haunted locomotive was scary but avoidable. It kept to a schedule and was stuck on the track. If you saw it, it was your own damn fault.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 1, 2014
The paranormal investigator detected a slight temperature flux with his equipment. A million bucks of electronics to spot one mouse fart.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 1, 2014
The possessed girl vomited, peed on the floor, and twisted her body grotesquely. Everyone at the party wanted some of what she was having.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 2, 2014
“Ho-ho-ho!” cried Satan Claws as he buried an axe in a naughty person’s face. He couldn’t wait 365 days, so it was Christmas in July!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 2, 2014
They found Vlad asleep, hanging upside-down from the rafters. He tried to explain it was for chiropractic purposes even as they staked him.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 2, 2014
The Inquisitor extracted confessions of witchcraft and sorcery, neither of which were real. The executions, however, were plenty real.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 3, 2014
The vampire, who must rest in his native soil, waited for the boxes of earth to arrive. The sun was coming up and UPS had him on hold.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 3, 2014
In response to The Human Centipede, the mad doctor created The Inhuman Centipede. Which was three centipedes attached ass-to-mouth.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 4, 2014
The spectre tried to warn his brother that he was wasting his life. But his brother was an asshole so this was a waste his own afterlife.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 4, 2014
Gavin’s tattoos came to life and started moving! The art was minimal and the worst they could do was rearrange themselves into misspellings.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 4, 2014
Harvesting souls made The Grim Reaper not grim but depressed. Zoloft helped, but his doctor died before he could renew the prescription.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 5, 2014
The Flying Spaghetti Monster prayed daily and was quite devout. He didn’t like Richard Dawkins using him as an argument for atheism.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 6, 2014
The madman wrote ancient runic warnings on his padded cell wall with his own feces. Was he mad or… Wait, with his poop? Yeah, he’s crazy.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 6, 2014
Shiver was a malignant spirit that fed off of people’s fears. Unable to frighten anyone itself it hung around public-speaking seminars.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 7, 2014
Ray was a strict vegetarian. The dionaea homuscipula, a man-eating plant, wasn’t. Their differences were ultimately settled by digestion.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 8, 2014
The nosferatu was destroyed by sunlight, resurrected by blood. His afternoon at the abattoir yards had been quite the frustrating seesaw.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 8, 2014
Kanga the witch doctor stabbed a pin into the cursed fetish. It wasn’t a voodoo doll. It was a Malibu Ken doll. Barbie was his client.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 9, 2014
Granger vomited profusely into the ditch. “What did I eat?” he wondered. He was still pondering this when the vomit leapt up and ate him.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 9, 2014
Kheopt lay waiting for someone to disturb his rest and unleash the curse. It was a long wait. They’d paved over his tomb for more parking.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 10, 2014
Vicki the virgin was to be sacrificed to the giant ape-king. Which was silly because Suzy the slut had a better chance of accommodating him.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 10, 2014
“Behold, hell!” laughed the demon as it ushered Frank, now deceased, into the afterlife. Frank knew terror, for hell was a DMV queue.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 11, 2014
The curator dipped real people in wax to make his realistic creations. He was soon exposed when someone lit the wick and smelled burnt hair.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 11, 2014
Count Zero stroked his rifle and asked, “Do you know what the most dangerous game is?” Todd, admiring the mounted heads, said “Tiddlywinks?”
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 12, 2014
The Mulcher is an evil machine that mangles factory workers by the dozen. They’d get rid of it, but workman’s comp pays off too well.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 13, 2014
Nyah was a she-wolf who suckled her unholy spawn on her many teats. Dwayne forged ahead with the blind date regardless because six boobs!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 14, 2014
“What new evil be this?” declared the demonologist who thought he’d seen hell itself. He had unwittingly been dragged to a short-film fest.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 14, 2014
Lesbian vampires are much more dangerous when hunting in pairs. ‘Cuz they’ll totally make out to distract their victims. Guys, check it out!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 14, 2014
The Black Death swept across medieval Europe. It was only wiped out once the politically correct term, “The Death of Colour” was adopted.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 15, 2014
After ten long years, Carl had survived the zombie apocalypse. It was over at last! Now he had to survive the rotting-corpse apocalypse.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 16, 2014
“Nevermore,” squawked the raven, “Nevermore!” Always this despite Edgar’s best efforts to teach the dumb bird, “Polly want a cracker.”
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 16, 2014
The Voice of Doom spoke, and all who heard trembled. The voice was not deep and booming, but nasally and irritating. Like Fran Drescher.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 17, 2014
Summoning the extra-dimensional beast was easy. Containing it was hard. It simply would not check into a Motel 6, the snob!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 18, 2014
Eleanor could see right through the spirit of her late husband. If he’d been this transparent in life, she needn’t have murdered him.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 19, 2014
The ugly gargoyles on the ramparts lived! Scary yes, but that didn’t change the fact that they were made of stone and couldn’t move an inch.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 20, 2014
The cursed typewriter compelled the author to write more, more, MORE! All of it misspelled and riddled with typos.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 21, 2014
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