Presenting 140 fantastic characters in 140 characters (or less). The genre is Twitter Fantasy.
This series ran from December 22, 2014 to May 21, 2015 on Shane’s Eyestrain Productions Twitter account.
Fizzlewick had unusually blunt ears for an elf. Eventually, the other elves realized he was just some dude with a stupid name.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 22, 2014
Radnorak the Wizard was the most talented sorcerer in the kingdom. Unfortunately, he could only do card tricks. But they were awesome.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 23, 2014
Snagglebone was, by far, the most handsome orc anyone had ever laid eyes on. Which meant he was still pretty fucking hideous.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 23, 2014
Prince Hammond of Tyr rescued many maidens fair but married none of them. Mostly because he only wanted to wear their undergarments.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 24, 2014
Piddle was a beggar boy, born poor, abused and abandoned. He was never swept away on a grand adventure to prove his worth. Sad, really.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 24, 2014
“Toby” was not a particularly majestic name for a dragon and he had to burn thousands to a crisp before anyone took him seriously.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 25, 2014
They called him a jolly old elf. But he was no elf and he was mean, not jolly. He made wooden toys so the children would get splinters.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 25, 2014
Most elves were slender freewheeling woodland dwellers. Kip was a stumpy toy-making slave in a winter wasteland. Where had he fucked up?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 26, 2014
Florthan was the rare berserker who considered frothing at the mouth unbecoming. He preferred to more discreetly poop his pants.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 26, 2014
Sir Winfred Gallant mounted his mighty steed which, sadly, was a lame donkey that instantly dropped dead under all that weight.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 27, 2014
Xyzlyqipht was the unpronounceable name of witch Helga’s familiar. He changed it from “Fred” in hopes he would never be summoned again.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 28, 2014
Paddock Tumblebottom stood only three feet tall on his big hairy feet. He wasn’t a hobbit, but hell, he had to try to fit in somewhere.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 28, 2014
Sinew the necromancer raised an army of the dead to do his bidding. Mostly because the dead don’t unionize.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 29, 2014
Cutpurse was a thief who joined a group of adventurers on their quest. Then he ripped them off and took everything because, y’know, thief!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 30, 2014
Krystalle the fire mage practices hard to level up her spells. If only she would remember to disconnect the fire alarm first.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 31, 2014
Arturis the paladin had finally accumulated enough armour to continue his quest. Then he said fuck it, and hocked it all for quick cash.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) December 31, 2014
Tzor the barbarian came back from his adventure with riches upon riches. He spent it all on a slightly nicer loincloth. Sigh. Barbarians.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 1, 2015
K’latin worked as a centaur prostitute. She could tell where her clients hailed from depending on if they paid for the front end or back.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 2, 2015
Hortok was a runt among the giant folk. Which made him as tall as a man. He felt better about himself whenever he bumped his head on stuff.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 3, 2015
Gazak lived under a bridge like most trolls. He was slain when it collapsed due to poor municipal management and crumbling infrastructure.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 4, 2015
All who gazed upon the gorgon Ceesa turned to stone. She kidded herself for many years that this was how men got a hard-on.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 5, 2015
Hushis the undead wraith was dismayed to find the store all out of basic black. He went to the wraith meet-up in a white robe and clashed.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 6, 2015
Ja’asper’nok’tuk knew he had too damn many apostrophes in his name, but that was his parents’ doing and changing it legally was a bitch.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 7, 2015
The fairy Zyn fluttered in search of mischief and merriment. Boz the sprite pushed her into the bug zapper because that was his idea of fun.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 8, 2015
Crackleribs was a reanimated skeleton, raised to help guard the dungeon keep. He still felt his uniform made him look fat.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 9, 2015
Dronyn was a beautiful tree elf who could speak with all the forest animals. Except bears, which found her both beautiful and delicious.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 10, 2015
Froddick was an innkeeper who catered to new level-one adventurers. He got paid in advance because this was a level-sixty zone.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 11, 2015
Yarh dreamed of becoming a dragonrider. And one day he was indeed borne aloft by a dragon. The next day he returned to earth as dragon shit.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 12, 2015
Gumbag skulked in the dark, looking to be cruel and nasty as goblins do. And so he broke into the women’s hostel and left toilet seats up.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 13, 2015
Wint looked like a normal mouse, but he was really a magic talking mouse. The trap didn’t care and snapped his spine just the same.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 14, 2015
Draana possessed a precious thing – the very last dragon egg in the world. The omelet was quite tasty, but she couldn’t finish it.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 15, 2015
Böf the two-headed ogre bickered and argued with itself. The two heads couldn’t agree on anything. One was a Democrat, the other Republican.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 16, 2015
Tyrrala the pixie shed magic pixie dust everywhere he went. He got busted for pushing pixie dust and is now doing a ten year stretch.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 17, 2015
Sylkinweeve was a monster, even among gigantic poisonous spiders. She had ten legs instead of eight and was ostracized from the web.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 18, 2015
Gwib was a mischievous imp who loved playing pranks. He had a limited repertoire, however, and his fun was ruined forever by call display.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 19, 2015
Once upon a time there lived a mystical mayfly. Mystical or not, it was dead a day later. Nobody ever named it because why bother?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 20, 2015
Gloggenspunk spent all day making demeaning and stupid comments on the internet. He wasn’t a troll. Trolls don’t do that. Shitheads do.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 21, 2015
Pip didn’t let his tiny size stop him from going on adventures. The dragon barely tasted him on the way down, but ate him anyway.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 22, 2015
Kor, the mountain giant, threw entire mountains at his opponents. One day he ran out and realized he was now a plains giant.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 23, 2015
Dribble was an imp tasked with menial labour by his master, the wizard. But he was too lazy to even be trusted to replace the toilet roll.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 24, 2015
The prince awoke the girl from her thirty-year slumber with a single kiss. Royalty or not, the prince had wicked halitosis.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 25, 2015
Razzorg was in charge of torturing disobedient dungeon monsters. All he had to do was hold up a mirror and show them what they’d become.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 26, 2015
The Dark Lord lay slain at Feggle’s feet. No one thanked him. The town’s economy ran entirely on visiting parties of adventurers.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 27, 2015
Rhan the bard plucked his lute and made people do his bidding. They’d do anything to get him to stop playing that fucking thing.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 28, 2015
The bovine man-beast was lord of the catacomb maze. This was not his intent. He was stuck there because he refused to ask for directions.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 29, 2015
The water nymph danced atop the glassy pond. Then she broke surface tension and drowned. Sadly there was no lifeguard on duty.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 30, 2015
Gaddash the Grey was reborn as Gaddash the White. Well, technically, Gaddash the Off-White. He rarely did laundry.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) January 31, 2015
The wyvern was a fierce reptilian monster. Not as well-known or well-recognized as the dragon, it desperately needed a better press agent.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 1, 2015
Brandlebuck let loose an arrow at the first hint of an intruder in his forest realm. Chalk up another boyscout. No merit badge for you!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 2, 2015
The hobgoblin considered himself far superior to regular goblins. There was no real difference, but he lorded those three letters over them.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 3, 2015
Spelunk was a cavern dweller, deep within the earth. He mined for mithril even though it wasn’t traded on the commodities market.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 4, 2015
“How many dwarfs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” asked Poddik just before an axe cleaved his skull. Typical dwarf punchline.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 5, 2015
The merfolk were an ancient culture, half-man, half-fish. Japanese trawlers harpooned and canned them for market regardless.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 6, 2015
Tom Bombadildo, master of wood, water and hill, could not understand why he was cut from the film adaptation. Hint: everyone hates him.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 7, 2015
Gnash was thusly named for his habit of grinding his huge teeth. Even fifty-foot-tall stone giants could have anxiety disorders.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 8, 2015
King Davert slew a thousand gnolls in battle. He was a celebrated hero amongst his people. To the gnolls he was a genocidal maniac.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 9, 2015
The giant eagles could have borne the questing party all the way to their final destination but decided that would have truncated the story.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 10, 2015
Hrok the half-orc could never get his parents together. He was pretty sure the circumstances of his conception were non-consensual.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 11, 2015
The mimic pretended to be a treasure chest and waited for adventurers to stick their hands inside. Eventually it called for take-out.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 13, 2015
Xaffid was a peculiar creature who couldn’t find himself anywhere in the Monster Manual. He’d never know how many hit points he had.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 13, 2015
The Gerbil Riders of Pern had a telepathic bond with their mounts. Mostly this bond told them, “Help, you’re squishing me!”
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 14, 2015
Brownies are named after the desserts they bake. They make awesome marijuana brownies which go to waste since only children can see them.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 16, 2015
Abu the Genie didn’t grant wishes. He granted three mundane requests. Even then, he wouldn’t help you move to a walk-up apartment.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 16, 2015
Gaylan often walked in the woods yet never saw the gnomes who lived there. But she’d find tiny beards and red hats stuck to her shoes after.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 20, 2015
The Drow were dark elves, forever at war with their cousins, the high elves. Mostly because the high elves were segregationist assholes.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 20, 2015
Why did The Goblin King look like an androgynous rock star rather than a goblin? I dunno, but I guess that’s why they made him king.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 22, 2015
Every time the knight sliced off one of the hydra’s heads, two grew back. He was unable to slay the beast, but it later ate itself to death.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 23, 2015
Penbrook won the roll for the epic loot! The ginormous two-handed warhammer of orgresmiting was his! And he couldn’t even lift it.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 24, 2015
Haphrid braved the dank dungeon and its many perils. Like the damp. He succumbed not to a poison-spike trap, but to a mould allergy.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 26, 2015
The mermaid took a sailor lover and was a maiden no more. “Spawn all over my eggs!” she cried, secreting thousands on the bed sheets.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) February 27, 2015
Oaklore was the ancient tree-shepherd of the old-growth forest until the clear-cutters arrived. Now he’s a lovely credenza.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 1, 2015
Tripsy was the king’s least favourite court jester. He wasn’t good at slapstick or insults. Mostly he did observational stand-up comedy.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 1, 2015
The dying archer let loose a single arrow. “Bury me where it falls,” he ordered. And that’s how the hero came to rest in a septic tank.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 3, 2015
The guardian observer watched the treasure room with its hundred eyes. It got looted down to the penny after the glaucoma set in.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 4, 2015
King Hendroyt the Third, Son of Hendraad, Lord of Dunmain, Steward of Fyor, had so many titles there was no room left to tweet about him.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 6, 2015
Jaquin the Illusionist was so good, he could create a convincing illusion that illusionists were worthwhile party members.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 8, 2015
The straw man laughed and danced and sang. But when the harvest failed, the farmers fed their magic scarecrow to the cows.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 8, 2015
The Cowering Lion was a scaredy-cat. Dorothy resolved to never again take him to the movies for a midnight Saw marathon.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 9, 2015
The Tin-Can Man rusted into place and there was no oil to lubricate his limbs. Saddened, his friends crammed him into the recycle bin.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 10, 2015
The witch, doused with a bucket of water, melted away. Which meant she never bathed. Which meant that stinky-ass bitch was better off dead.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 12, 2015
The little girl looked around saying, “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.” Which suited her fine. There was no place worse than Kansas.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 13, 2015
The Wonderful Wizard proved to be a fraudulent huckster, a liar and a lowlife. Reinventing himself as a politician made perfect sense.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 15, 2015
The flying monkey was the most feared evil minion in Ozlandia because it would throw poop at you. Aloft, it would bomb you. Also with poop.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 15, 2015
Izabelle was a blood-mage who was afraid to cut herself for raw reagents. She could only perform magic three days a month.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 16, 2015
Wynd was a majestic unicorn until his horn got sawed off and ground into powder as a remedy for erectile dysfunction. Now he’s just a horse.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 17, 2015
Mairyhnna was a muse who inspired artists to create banal, unchallenging work for the lowest common denominator. She mostly worked in TV.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 19, 2015
Billy Bonka ran a magical chocolate factory filled with sugar and secrets. The secrets all had to do with diabetes and childhood obesity.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 20, 2015
The Borrowers lived in the walls of a family’s house. Too late, they discovered it was a family of bankers who charged a high interest rate.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 20, 2015
The queen guessed Rumpelstiltskin’s name and the witness protection program’s work was undone. He was whacked by the mob a day later.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 21, 2015
When the prince married Snow White, he discovered she wasn’t quite as pure as her name. She’d banged every dwarf in the kingdom.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 22, 2015
The young man scaled Rapunzel’s locks to her window, only to discover they were cheap extensions. He fell and was dashed on the stone below.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 23, 2015
Cinderella crashed the ball, got drunk and tripped, breaking her glass slippers. No one knew who she was till they followed the blood trail.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 24, 2015
The cat played a fiddle while the cow jumped over the moon and the dish ran away with the spoon. Man, this peyote is some good shit.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 25, 2015
Kallid built himself a suit of armour out of dragon scales, figuring that would protect him from its breath. The fire, yes. The stink, no.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 26, 2015
The merry elf Tralala skipped through the verdant meadow and was shot by a hunter. He should have worn his orange safety vest.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 27, 2015
The Five Armies converged for a massive battle documented in a single chapter of a book and as three-hour movie. Really, three-bloody-hours!
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 28, 2015
Zanduu was the lion general of an army of tigers, panthers and cheetahs. But they were all cats. None of them could follow a single command.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 30, 2015
The archer’s magic bow fired frost bolts and flame shots and poison tips. But a rocket launcher still made him feel way more badass.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 30, 2015
Keyblar was an elf who worked in the Hollow Tree Cookie Factory. Nobody ever glorifies elves with real grunt-work jobs, he lamented.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) March 31, 2015
A Chimera was an equal mix of lion, snake and goat. Famed in antiquity, modern audiences found its design reminiscent of confused marketing.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 1, 2015
The treasurer explained, one gold equals 100 silver. One silver equals 100 copper. Simple. Until inflation made such accounting fantasy.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 2, 2015
The Magic Mirror assured all who looked into it that they were fairest of all. And no, that dress didn’t make their ass look fat.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 3, 2015
The wizened scholar pored over his ancient tomes of lore and magic. Yeah, sure, they were available as eBooks, but it just wasn’t the same.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 4, 2015
The sorcerer cast a fireball, blowing his foe to pieces. “Show off,” said the witch, casting a curse that killed slowly, three months later.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 6, 2015
Dread Sonja’s bikini armour was practically pornographic, but entire armies had fallen before her. Mostly to hide embarrassing erections.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 7, 2015
Dimpledurr the Wizard Headmaster, came out of the closet as gay. Brave yes, but note he waited until the book series was over to do it.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 8, 2015
Wyndall Weatherborne was a ranger in the fiefdom of Hessingdale. Urban development had paved it over so he patrolled the realm by city bus.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 9, 2015
Grumblestump was a hermit in the bog. He didn’t really want to live alone, but only the bog stench could mask his chronic B.O. issues.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 10, 2015
Eddie the vampire sparkled in the sunlight. Does that even qualify as “fantasy?” It sure as hell doesn’t fall under the horror genre.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 11, 2015
Cerebellus was the triple-headed guard dog of hell. The three heads mostly competed to be one that got to lick their balls.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 13, 2015
Pecules was the son of a god! It didn’t make him a great warrior-hero. It made him another single-mom kid with daddy issues.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 14, 2015
Tammar the Bold hurtled his magic javelin and slew the solider at a hundred paces. But he was fighting an army and was now out of ammo.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 15, 2015
Janx read the magic scroll aloud, but nothing happened. The scribe’s typo, etched a thousand years earlier, was only now revealed.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 18, 2015
“Roll a six or perish!” said the dungeon master, handing his new player the die. Role playing was fine, but this shit was more fun in Vegas.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 19, 2015
Acculus was impervious in battle. Unless stabbed through the heart. Or smashed in the head. Or… Actually, he was just any regular guy.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 20, 2015
The maiden observed the apple skeptically. “Is it poisoned, cursed?” “No,” the witch told her, “It’s GMO.” The maiden politely declined.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 22, 2015
The Barbarian, The Destroyer, The Conqueror, The King. Konadd had many titles, but longed to publish his thesis so he could be The Doctor.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 22, 2015
The druid, Fernfolly, tended the ancient grove. But these days his powers were so diminished, even his Chia Pet had withered and died.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 24, 2015
Blomyr, son of Foomyr, father of Draymyr, third cousin twice removed of Bubba-Jo. They don’t talk much about that branch of the family.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 24, 2015
Overlord Steelborne wore giant scary armour. What was he compensating for? It was hidden behind his tiny demon-themed codpiece.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 26, 2015
Phay didn’t like introducing herself as a nymph. Idiots would chuckle, “As in ‘nymphomaniac’?” Some nymphs weren’t sex addicts.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 28, 2015
The destined Mother of Dragons dreaded passing all those scales through her birth canal. Then she found out it was triplets.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) April 28, 2015
You lose the element of surprise when you’re a giant arachnid, Stabby discovered. There’s no sneaking up on anybody for a ten-ton scorpion.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 1, 2015
The will-o’-the-wisp led wayward travellers off the night path to perish in the bog. They were very pretty, but all wisps were dicks.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 3, 2015
The Magma Lord had to move again. Every time he sat in a chair he’d burn his house down and get accused of arson. Being made of lava sucked.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 5, 2015
Hoove was a taurcen, a reverse centaur with a horse head and the rear of a man. He suffered hip dysplacia and was confined to a wheelchair.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 6, 2015
The siren’s voice caused the sailor to dash his ship on the rocks. Not because it was seductive. It reminded him of his nagging wife.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 8, 2015
For a fee, the riverman would bring souls across the water to the land of the dead. He’d worked on the Staten Island Ferry for many years.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 9, 2015
The elf maiden fell for the young, handsome dwarf. Their romance was doomed. Good thing he died before he got fat, bearded and dumpy.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 9, 2015
Guzzle the alchemist made invisibility potions that were 190-proof. They didn’t turn you invisible, but they did make you blind.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 10, 2015
Dofro couldn’t get The One Ring to work. “You’re wearing it wrong,” he was told. “It’s a cock ring.” The Dark Lord had a very small dick.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 13, 2015
Thundermane was a great warhorse, beautiful and intelligent. As war plunder, he was pressed into service as a pack mule.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 14, 2015
“Release the Kraken!” bellowed the Greek god. Impressive, until you realize he was in the toilet and “Kraken” is a nickname for his poop.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 14, 2015
Muggles could call each other muggle, but it was offensive when wizards used the term. Instead they said “M-word” when muggles were near.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 15, 2015
King Stanza won the war of the nine kingdoms and his seat on the steel throne! Sadly, he’d lost his ass in battle and could no longer sit.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 16, 2015
Skunkfloss was a low-level minion, but secretly refined and well-read. It was his lot in life to be slain for a mere two experience points.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 18, 2015
Bran the centaur was both loved and reviled. When he died, the top half was buried in the human cemetery. The rear went to the glue factory.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 18, 2015
Tim climbed the tallest mountain and found the world was indeed flat and limited. The extent of the writer’s imagination lay exposed.
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 20, 2015
The fantasy writer was working as fast as he could, even as fans clamoured for the next volume. You think it’s easy making this shit up?
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 20, 2015
“The End,” declared the father, closing the final volume. “But what about all those other pages?” asked the boy. “Appendixes, fuck ‘em!”
— Shane Simmons (@Shane_Eyestrain) May 21, 2015
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