For many years, Shane has enjoyed his fan mail from deranged fans, forgotten associates and the criminally insane. He rarely answers any of it, but he does enjoy showing it to friends and saying things like, “Look what this freak sent me,” “Wow, this person isn’t even institutionalized yet,” and “Hey, guess who I’m filing a restraining order against next.”

Thanks to the impersonal, distancing nature of the internet, Shane can now invite further discourse without any but the most determined stalkers finding him in the real world, coming to his home, and breaking in to smell his laundry.

If you have something personal to say to the man himself, or a job offer that will net Shane a cool six figures after taxes, by all means contact him through the form below.

Should you absolutely insist on hunting Shane down, kicking in his door, and holding him hostage until the voices in your head tell you it’s okay to surrender to the SWAT team, please remove your shoes in the front hall. Mr. Simmons just mopped the floor and he really doesn’t want to have to do it again.