Although both sides of his family come from England, Shane Simmons was born and raised in Canada. He enjoys the cold, hates hockey, and has never seen a moose or a beaver in person. His citizenship is therefore ever in question and the constant threat of deportation looms.
Originally from Lachine, a suburb of Montreal most famous for being massacred by the Iroquois in 1689 and less famous for having it coming, Shane earns a living in the film industry, scripting home movies and directing security camera videos. Despite all odds, he has become a successful writer, bravely overcoming his mental and physical impairments of laziness and illiteracy. He currently lives beyond his means in the big city, and sustains himself on handouts and the lunch money he steals from grade school kids.
Mr. Simmons is a biped and an insect-rights activist. He thinks breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why he has it three times a day. His favourite colour is plaid, and he is widely considered the life of any party attended by one or fewer people.
This time next year he plans to be a year older.
From time to time, Shane is contacted by fans wracked with guilt over having engaged in the piracy of his work. Whether they’ve downloaded an unofficial scan of one of his comics on The Pirate Bay, watched a dozen hours of his cartoons streamed on YouTube, or stolen a first draft of his current project after beating him and leaving him for dead in a ditch, they now find themselves experiencing a twinge of remorse for having enjoyed some free entertainment at the expense of a struggling artist who unwisely chose the path of the writer as opposed to growing the hell up and getting a real job like the rest of us.
If you are so afflicted, why not scrub away those conscience-staining spots and click the GUILT ALLEVIATION BUTTON™? For a small fee of your choice, you can recapture the ability to look at yourself in the mirror, not feel like a parasitic black hole consuming all and giving back nothing, and walk around in polite society without harbouring a deep, dark criminal secret.
The Guilt Alleviation Button also works for those who merely want to express their appreciation for all the fine content offered at Eyestrain Productions, be it the blog or the…well, it’s really just the blog for the most part, isn’t it? Not so much when you think about it. But still, a small donation provides benefits far in excess of any financial cost – namely, the ability to act like a superior dick for patronizing the arts out of the kindness of your heart and supporting someone in the online community without any expectation of recompense (mostly because there wasn’t any crap in the store you wanted to buy).
Generous donations are always more appreciated and generate much more good karma, but no amount is considered too low to actually be insulting. Act now, your endorphin-high awaits you.